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melissa



Last Updated: 12/24/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 18
Sign: Virgo

City: geebs
State: Wisconsin
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/28/2005

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P (2)

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sarah
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 

"your breath's like wine, and just like clouds, my skin crawls"

__________________________________________

So I decided to start actually using this thing. Rather than randomly vent. Plus, it's a lot healthier for me to do this on here rather than on Xanga, I fucking HATE Xanga and what it's done to me.

________________________________________________

I've been wondering a lot lately about how much I've been missing out. Regretting lots of things. Like for instance, my job. Granted, I'm glad I worked there. I made a lot of really good friends there and I wouldn't have met Curtis otherwise. But I always am missing big things. Like big volleyball games and basketball and soccer games. Get-togethers with my school friends (which, by the way, I don't even feel like I have any left). I wonder if I missed out on a lot of my teenage years. I can work for the rest of my life, I only get to be young for a while. I worry that I wasted the last two years of school. But everytime I get around to trying to quit, they offer me a big raise and a promotion. I know I'd be a lot less stresesd if I quit. But I really do like some of the people there. And I have a lot of fun sometimes. I'd feel really bad if I quit.

______________________________________________

And college...holy shit. I'm not even applied to any places. Anyone else in the same situation here? I just have to write my essays. I'm hoping I get into at least one of the two schools I applied to. But I'm scared to leave. I don't think I want to leave. I'm just afraid everyone, my family included, will label me as some type of failure if I end up going to UWGB. Or someone who's afraid of change. But why would I want to leave? I'm so happy here..why would I give that up?

________________________________________________

I really wish I had more confidence too...

_______________________________________________

Oh. And I love Angels & Airwaves. I don't care what you think of Tom Delonge or Blink 182. There isn't much out there for music that renews hope. But AVA does that to me every time I listen to it.

"If I had a chance for another try
I wouldn't change a thing, it's made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank God that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine."

___________________________________

This was pointless.

1:55 PM
 
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P

 
I was in the same boat for the college thing. I didn't apply until December and I got into Milwaukee, Eau Claire, and UWGB. But I was too scared, so I just stayed here.


And I totally agree about the AVA thing. They're amazing.

 
Posted by P on Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - 9:48 PM
[Reply to this] 
Ian Phillips

 
goodness goodness...

for several reasons, i will not comment on the first half of this entry for i get the impression you are using this as more of a diary than anything else.


pretty much, college? yeah, holy shit. i havent even seen what an application looks like, what the hell this 'essay' is all about, or even have 3 schools im THINKING about looking at. but, it should all work out in the end. when we get to the point when we realize we have to grow up and not be a teenager anymore, let it come. we'll take it on and prove ourselves wrong.

me? ive always detested the idea of growing up. i fear ill screw one small thing up and the rest of my life is screwed up in one big chain of events. and yet, theres still a part of me that knows that im being silly. (im relieved i can at least admit that), but its not a prominent enough part of my mind and heart to convince me otherwise. i have horribly low self confidence too, melissa. its something that kills us emotionally, one of the top worst feelings in the world; beating ourselves up about little things (or bigger things; thats even deeper). an example, im auditioning at Cardinal Stritch University next saturday in a competition for piano. do i feel like i stand even a 1/million chance of getting even top 3? fuck no.... but, ill still work my ass off and preform my ass off and try as hard as i can to prove myself wrong. it may sound silly, but ive discovered that it just works out that way.


(i mis-read the part of being a failure if you end up going to a certain school. melissa marks, no matter where you go to school, you will always be YOU. ive always gave myself a hard time for those thoughts of going to a school that people may think is 'not cool' or 'not good enough'. please...thats a load of bullshit. the school doesnt make the difference. YOU make the difference by not screwing it over and having negative thoughts all the while.
)

and for the record... ive probably told you this more than enough times...but id still like to make it clear.

i respect AVA for their music and nothing else. their music is the only such that has the hope that some of us need at out time in life.
and well, its damn catchy too!
 
Posted by Ian Phillips on Thursday, November 13, 2008 - 7:18 AM
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