As a mark of respect to our Republican, Conservative, and Christian Democrat readership and to all of you out there who still haven't burned their last copy of 'Thriller', today I am going to give both George W Bush and Michael Jackson a day off. Instead I shall be picking on George Michael, purely because he didn't call himself Jackson Bush.
The small north atlantic island of England has traditionally been the birthplace of great pop artists, from that well known trio from Liverpool, the Beatles, who stormed to the top of the charts with 'Love me do' in 1963 to George Michael and current pop heroes Coldplay. Biased Opinion, as a young lad, was fortunate enough to witness John, Paul, and George Lemon play their first 'gig' in 1963. On the telly that is. The influence of British popsters has not waned since, and when in 1982 the then president of the US, Jimi 'Peanut' Carter was asked to name his favourite band, he answered without hesitation “The Led Zepplins” So in honour of those lovable mop-tops this weeks pop news comes from the english capital.
Pop giants, The Rolling Stones, will be starting their next world tour in december said group leader, Mike Jagger, at a press conference in London, Britain, on tuesday. Jagger refused to answer questions from Biased Opinion about the murder of former group member Brian Jones, who savagely died in a tragic accident under mysterious circumstances in an english swimming pool in 1968. Controversy surrounding the case has never died down and was the subject of an oscar winning hollywood blockbuster starring Oliver and Sharon Stone called “The grassy knob” a reference to Jones legendary prowess with pretty young things. Conspiracy theories abound and many believe that this case was part of a wide ranging conspiracy which ended with the fatal shooting of pop artist Jimi Hendrix outside a London syngogue in 1970. Hendrix was a talented young negro who was tipped to become the Tony Bennet of the new electronic guitar.
Meanwhile Stones guitar god Cliff Richard has bought a 5000 acre snake farm in Australia. When asked by Biased Opinion about what he honestly though he was going to do with such a huge snake farm Richard, 62, slurred “Wha? Fuck. I thought he said smack farm”
We'll stay with the pop scene for the moment because this week lead singer Chris Martin of pop legend Coldplay stunned company officials at EMI, Coldplay's record company. "I don't really care about EMI. I'm not concerned about that," Chris told Reuters. "I think shareholders are the greatest evil of this modern world." . EMI were quick to respond when they put out a statement saying that they were “used to dealing with tempremental musicians, prima donnas, wierdos, druggies, faggots, dykes and foreigners” and since these “moaning adolescent pimple faced bed wetters made them lots of money” they “couldn't give a fuck about what coldplay gave a fuck about”.
Fair play to EMI.
Well they told the Sex Pistols where to shove it didn't they?
I later asked Martin, 27, whether he believed that the Jones murder and the Hendrix assasination were part of the same putrid plot. I asked him if the fact that Jim Morrison had left a message on Janis Joplins answerphone telling her to call John Lemon urgently, in the very same week as the dastardly crime, seemed at all 'convenient'. And who was the mysterious Sid?
“Explain that if you can Mr Martin” I sneered, grabbing his shirt and pulling him towards me, his hot breath mingling with mine.
Fuck, I'm lucky it wasn't Oasis... eh?
In yesterdays column I mentioned a little old lady from West Virginia who wrote in advocating “mass genocide of upper-middle class, white, corporate baby-boomers”. My reply, in essence, asked. “Why limit it to upper-middle class, white, corporate baby-boomers?” Well another reader from the United States has written in suggesting a similar fate for “corporate white folks in the US”. Fine by me. I have no problem with that at all, the only trouble is that it lets Rupert Murdoch, Richard Branson, Aristotle Onasiss, Adnan Khashoggi, The English Royal Family, King Somebody of Saudi Arabia, Elton John, assorted leaders of pro-western military dictatorships, and the shareholders of Nestle, Shell, ICI, Bosch, VW and Heinekin totally off the hook.
Look, Europeans were the ones who invented genocide. We were massacring each other when you Americans were still, well... Europeans. Or Africans or whatever. We've had Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, and Franco in one century alone. If it hadn't been for us you'd still be sitting in a wigwam, having a pow-wow, and smoking pipe of peace. Instead you're sitting in a derelict, having a paranoia attack, and smoking a fat rock. Whose fault is that?
Americans! don't blame yourselves. Blame somebody else. That's what we do. We blame you.
Respect to any man who takes on music industry multinational SONY and wins. Jah man!
I'm talking about closet pop star George Michael, singer in world famous boys band Wham! and later solo artist and toilet loiterer. Michael, of Greek persuasion, battled with SONY in court for four years and finally walked free, his integrity intact, with a big fat wad of dosh. From the beginning Michael stood out as a talent and he was always considered the 'Robbie Williams of Wham!'.
He later shot back into the headlines when he was caught 'red handed' in a Los Angeles toilet with Hugh Grant, a well known englishman. “I was just looking for Divine Brown” said Grant, 47, in his defense. “And this gentleman over here said she was just about to log out and would I like to look”
Global responses are coming in thick and fast.
Mrs Blanche DuBois, from Montreal, Quebec, claims in an intimate email to Biased Opinion, that her mother tongue is French, and that the official language in Quebec is French, not English. I'm afraid you'll find you're mistaken there Mrs DuBois. I know it for a fact because I have seen a documentary on television and the only place in the United States where French is spoken is in Louisiana. You must be in New Orleans you silly old coot. Learn some bloody english and you might find out where you live.
Exciting G8 summit news:
One small consolation for being dropped from Air Force One, figuratively speaking of course, is that Live Aid legend Bob Geldof has been given the cold shoulder as well. So we'll be taking the train to Glasgow together and I'll be asking him all about what it was really like in those heady days of 'Live Aid 85' when he got to shag Paula Yates. And I'll be asking him if she wore all that sexy stuff in the bedroom too.
è preparato per sanguinare, i miei compagni