Loads and loads of complaints about yesterdays column. People found it offensive because I told them to fuckoff I'm having the day off. Yeah you're probably right but you fucked off anyway didn't you?

So on to the news.
Treacherous Tony meets the Evil Bish in Washington and they carve up the salami, throwing Geldof a bit of the skin hoping he might shut up before the G8 conference, but there's little hope of that. Bob's been getting flack from all sides. The left think he's too mainstream, too wishy washy liberal, the right think he's a meddling troublemaker.
Truth is that the hardcore were going to Gleneagles anyway. They were going long before Bob Geldof got involved. The G8 summit is a traditional anarchist gig. Has been for years. The anarchist trip is not about Africa. It's about capitalism. But that isn't important really because Africa is about capitalism.
Critics point to corrupt African regimes as being the problem, but no government exists in a vacuum. They must have support and if this support does not come from the people then it must come from outside. In most cases it comes from multinationals who are obviously operating with the covert blessing of their respective governments (read US, EU) who in reality either control or are controlled by them.
One thing about Live Aid.
It's not going to make poverty history and it's certainly not going to make capitalism history, at best it will stop the situation from getting any worse. Which is something Bob Geldof is well aware of. He's not thick and certainly not naïve, as some claim.
Carry on Bob.

Meanwhile we learn from Murdoch rag 'The Sun' that Midge Ure has announced that TRAVIS, Snow Patrol and Dido will be among those heading the line-up at a massive anti-poverty concert in Scotland next month. Texas, Wet Wet Wet, Annie Lennox, and the Proclaimers are also confirmed to appear at the concert. They will be joined by other headline acts such as Embrace, The Thrills, McFly, Ronan Keating and Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield.

To be honest I know the names but I've no idea who the fuck they all are. I copy/pasted that bit directly from 'the sun's website.. Who cares anyway? Maybe one of them knows something about the mysterious Sid.

Looks like Michael Jackson might have to sell all his old Beatles records to pay his lawyers. Well he's not going to get much for them is he? A bunch of old 45's. Who uses them these days? Everyone's got all that shit on their I-pods anyway.
And while we're on the subject of M. Jackson, my friend James, a source of the stars most intimate and dark secrets tells me that the question of what time Jackson goes to bed is quite simple. According to him it's when the big hand touches the little hand.

What with all the speculation about Microsoft's alleged unethical business practices I decided I would go and talk to the big man himself Mr Bill Gates. He was attending a dinner at the Plaza Hotel in New York last monday so, disguising myself as an italian waiter I slipped in to have a little parley. I just milled around for a while biding my time waiting for my opportunity to catch Mr Gates alone and have a little chat. Eventually I managed to corner him when he was alone so I asked him directly, without beating around the bush... or is that bish?.. “Why is that when I shut down my PC it takes about ten minutes to turn off whereas if I just pull the plug it shuts down immediately with no adverse effects?”

Well he actually took offence at the question, I must have touched a raw nerve or something because he started to shout something about letting him take a shit in private and then this great mountain of a man, probably from Philadelphia, appears yet again and pulls me out of the cubicle like he's really pleased to see me and hugs me all the way to the back door. I ask you. Is that the way to treat an italian waiter?

I have received word from the internet of a Zionist Feminist Bolshevist Homosexual conspiracy to take over the world. I kid you not. Jewish lesbian loving communists already control Hollywood and the rest of the world is in peril. I was placated though, by learning from the same source, that 'only' a million people died in the holocaust, thus bringing it down to acceptable, more humane numbers.

And you worry about kids seeing porn on the net.

G8 newsflash.

Seems that Fatkopfukker won't be able to borrow his mum's car after all. She says he can't take it all the way to Scotland unless he passes his driving test and there's not much chance of that because he's a fucking useless driver. Still I may have a place in a horse drawn wagon, only trouble is it won't get there till september. Maybe I'll just hitch.

Salaam aleikum.

Complaints if you please thank you very much any time you like to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk