Dear CNN, New York Times, Washington Post, Fox News, and MSNBC,

Really!? I mean, really.

Early yesterday afternoon, I heard on generic- American radio that Michael Jackson has passed. ("What!?" you say, "I had no idea!!!!") This was followed up with 10 text messages and phone calls. And that's all good and well. It's a tragic event for the man's nearest and dearest to be sure, and it is certainly a noteworthy moment in pop cultural history. TMZ called it first, and that's to be expected. They are idiots. As idiots, it is their job to be obsessed with this shit. But radio stations throughout the country were holding off on playing the latest Lady GaGa and speculating about the King of Pop's death until it was finally FINALLY confirmed by CNN. At this point, I turned the station. Nothing but best-of-MJ. Everywhere.

Fortunately, I found NPR up in northern Wisconsin... NO! Not fortunately! I heard an hour, A WHOLE FUCKING HOUR of a pre-recorded obituary about the man, his early childhood, his bungled adolescence, the rocky early adulthood, the genius, and then the media-driven but !we are not completely responsible sir! downfall. I get to my aunt's house. 2 HOURS LATER. We turn on the television. Fox has it (but I mean, ok who didn't call that), NBC has it, CNN has it. Really.

We turn off the t.v. We have a lovely evening of grilling, drinking red wine on the porch, watching the pink clouds, waiting for the sun to set which out here happens at about 10... Then we check the t.v. STILL ON! Every news outlet! Except for MTV! Even MTV was too good for it! And it's not like the news had changed! It was the same shit!

I ask you this, media. What's going on in Tehran? I heard there was an election and subsequent protests, but I mean, is that still "game on"? Aren't people being denied their rights to public demonstrations? Aren't they being beaten by police in riot gear? If you guys put HALF as much energy into figuring out whether or not voter fraud played a significant role in the Iranian election as you did in the fact that a sorry excuse for a pop icon tragically died too soon (I feel like I've heard this shtick before...), well let's just say you'd be able to proudly call yourselves "journalists." 


Leave it to America to ruin a good thing every time it magically falls out of the chasm of whatever. And I was just in the middle of writing a happy little song about the experience of being in Harlem on November 4th. It was going to be a cute little tribute to Randy Newman, and it was going to end with a cover of "America the Beautiful," except incorporating the little-known non-cheesy verses. I was waxing optimistic about how "ooo I finally understand those words..." But right now, I just can't bring myself to finish it.

Really. I mean really.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Elizabeth Sarah Lucia Nilles

PS- I guess this means I'm going to have to lay off the tasteless child molestation jokes. What, 6 weeks? Is that an acceptable mourning period? This is going to cut my body of work in the world of comedy in half...