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Alexander the Great
By Michael A. Stusser

Alexandros III Philippou Makedonon was born in 356 BC in Pella, the capital of Macedonia (now northern Greece). His father was King Phillip II and his mother was Olympias, a princess from Epirus. During his brief life Alex the Great conquered most of what was then called the civilized (or known) world, with an empire that stretched from the Mediterranean to India. His expeditions and conquests opened trade and cultural exchanges over a huge territory including Persia, Syria, Egypt, India and Central Asia. He is widely considered one of the greatest military geniuses in history for unique tactics, superior training and innovative motivational strategy. Alexander contracted malaria and died on June 13, 323 B.C.E at 32 years of age.


MF
One of your teachers was Aristotle. Can you tell us a little about him?

ATG
Yeah, my folks thought it would be good to have some home tutoring, so at 13 they brought Aristotle in for some Greek lessons. Guy was an amazing teacher – taught me ethics, politics, philosophy, even wood shop. Homework was a pain, though. I had to read Homer and memorize the Iliad.

MF
At the age of 16, most kids are learning how to kiss girls and drive the station wagon. You had bigger responsibilities.

ATG
Yeah, my dad (King Philip) left me in charge of the colonies when he was out of town. One time a colony revolted and we had to go in there and bang heads. I re-named the place Alexandroupolis.


MF
June of 336, you're 20 years old and your dad gets killed at the theatre. Who dunnit?

ATG
My mom, probably; she was a wild one. My father had remarried and things got nasty with the new gal. Can't complain – it made me King of Macedonia.

MF
You took the name, Alexander the Great. Kind of cocky, isn't it?

ATG
You're lucky I'm a dead guy right now.

MF
How about Alexander the Excellent?

ATG
I was amazing for my time, OK? I had a GREAT sense of humor, I was a GREAT military leader, had GREAT loyalty among men, and GREAT respect for women.

MF
That's true. When you conquered Persia (now Iran), you took King Darius III's mother and gave her a home and treated her well.

ATG
Tell me Caesar woulda done that.

MF
You were also way ahead of your time when it came to the idea of the melting pot, but the whole idea of ethnic fusion didn't work out. Why?

ATG
Has it worked in your country?

MF
Good point.

ATG
It got to where I had so many countries under my belt that I needed to smooth things out with some intermarriages, you know?

MF
And you led by example.

ATG
Yeah, my second wife, Stateira, was Persian. I also put foreign soldiers in my army so they'd mix cultures. The Macedonians hated the idea, and after I died, they annulled almost all the marriages. The whole Empire went to hell in a handbasket.

MF
Your army was often outnumbered, but still kicked ass. How so?

ATG
Well, we were pretty well trained, the guys learned to respond to flags and trumpets, that was new. Plus we had a killer cavalry. Gotta have a good horse. The catapults and javelin throwers didn't hurt either.


MF
Ever get hurt in battle?

ATG
Oh all the time. Might not have been such a good idea, but to inspire the troops I rode up front – sometimes I was the first guy over a walled city.

MF
That's not smart.

ATG
Yeah, I took an arrow in the lung in India, got my neck stabbed at Granicus, my leg was totally splintered while invading Turkestan and the troops had to carry me home. One time a bird dropped a stone on my head. I was constantly thrashed. Good times.

MF
Happiest moment?

ATG
Besides my life-long relationship with the eunuch Bagoas..

MF
You were in love with a eunuch?

ATG
Don't knock it till you've tried it. Times were different – my closest friends were all men, including my childhood friend Hephaistion, who I loved like an alter ego.

MF
And were you…?

ATG
"Don't ask, don't tell." That's always been my policy.

MF
Speaking of queens, you were crowned at one point, isn't that true?

ATG
After we freed them from Persian rule, the Egyptians crowned me as Pharaoh. So I got that goin' for me.

MF
Didn't they also name a street after you?

ATG
A whole city, actually. Alexandria, which sits on the mouth of the Nile River. Great spot.

MF
There you go with the "great" thing again. Isn't it true that toward the end you started to see yourself as a God?

ATG
I got a little carried away with the whole Prokynesis thing.

MF
Is that like Dianetics?

ATG
It's making people bow down to ya. I was trying to unite all my territories with a common religion – my own. Didn't quite work out. Take too much, they'll suck the life outta ya. Just ask Nixon.

MF
You died a month away from your thirty-third birthday. You fought for eleven years, and never lost a battle. Do you have any regrets?

ATG
Yeah, not making it to 40. I'm also not real happy that my tomb was raided by that bastard Ptolemy IX in 89 BC, who melted my sarcophagus to make gold coins! Can you believe that! (He was killed for his deeds…)

MF
You know they recently made a movie of your life starring Leonardo DiCaprio? ("Alexander the Great" directed by Baz Luhrmann, 2005).

ATG
Yeah? That's better than the one in '60 with Richard Burton. Who plays my mom?

MF
Oh you'll like this: Nicole Kidman stars as Olympia, Alexander's one of the most extraordinary female figures in all history.

ATG
She's hot.

MF
Thanks for your time.


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