Journal, Bob Marshall Wilderness Labor Detail beginning July 6, 2007.
Day 1. Life, as I once knew it, has ended. I'm going to halfway in this shit hole of a state. (X), I miss you so much. Truly. One day, I'll come back to you. So many things have been left unsaid. So many beautiful memories will never exist. Our love, my life, and my sanity have been uprooted. Home, and music are but fleeting memories. Same with your voice. Your smile. I'll find my way back, I promise.
Pray for me.
Day 2. We hiked through a pass today. I snapped some great photos for you. There were these untouched, forgotten meadows down in the valley... God, I wish you were here. You would love this.
We did a lot of work on the trails today. It was insane. After 4 miles of rugged terrain, we ended up deep in this... forest? There was a wonderful river with tons of pretty rocks. I got some for you. Just being at that river leaves me completely speechless. The colors, the purity... gorgeous. I'll take some pictures tomorrow. I know you won't get this for a while but, you are my sunshine, my will to push through the bruises on my hips and the blisters on my hands from my pulaski. One day I'll come back to you, lovely. I'm beat.
Day 3. to be continued
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A letter to Jordan, the day before I walked away from Alternative Youth Care with only a pillow case of belongings... I never got a chance to send it, because I left before I even put a stamp on it.
"Jordan,
I'm feeling very uneasy right about now. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day. I have 33 dollars hidden away in the student lounge at FVCC - that's it. It makes me slightly angry how if these people were to find out what I was plotting, what I have been doing, they would accuse me of being 'sketchy'. I am not 'sketchy'. I'm making necessary arrangements is all, taking the first, nervous step to raise my fists and take my life back from these people. They have no right to whisper, "Don't even worry about your life anymore, we have you all set up for the next few years," over my shoulder as I eat dinner. NO - I can't allow the intimidation to eat at me ever again, to give me that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. These kids they've brainwashed can say they're happy all they want, but they can't fool me. Most of them have been here just as long as me (10 months) or even longer, but for some reason I just won't give in. And I refuse to put up a front any longer, to wear a facade, to broadcast a fake smile to divert attention from me. Never again will I ask permission to go outdoors, to feel the sun on my face, to eat, or to work and move my body. Never again will I allow myself to be punished or chastised in any way for growing facial hair, not washing my clothes, or for not wearing socks. I will no longer be forced to eat meat, or anything else that I don't want to eat. I'll never again be criticized for the amount of milk I drink!
Sure, I may have made many a wrong decision before, but it makes me sick when they tell me that I am there because I have screwed up my life to the point where I have lost the right to make my own decisions! I am a HUMAN BEING, and I will make my own decisions and live my fucking life! I have not lost the right to pursue my dreams, my desires, my sexuality, and the true reasons we are alive... I must leave, before I forget all of it. I have been asleep, braving my way through an institutional nightmare in this reformatory for almost a year now. Labor for free, doing work for the staff, manual labor... never again. I look around at all these guys, and it makes me sad how most of them have been beaten into emotional submission by these counselors.
They manipulate our parents as well! My parents have blindly stood by them since the beginning. I have seen them once in the past year, and they can only call me a few times a month. Is there nothing wrong with this picture? Walking down Highway 93 is the only way to take back the things they've deprived me of. So what if life on the street is dangerous? I DON'T CARE. A bed and scheduled meals aren't payment enough for the exchange of precious, blue skied days like today. The seeds of my past loves, past freedoms, my past life... the seeds of my defiance have grown to the point where I can no longer push them down or hide them. I'm not afraid. I am strong. I am capable. I am iron. All the weight lifting, all the deprivation, it's all been training for THIS MOMENT. I'm not trying to prove anything to you, because I know this is what you want, you want it just as I do. And if I can make it through, I will find my way home. By the time this seemingly endless, bitter winter is over, I will be back in your arms. We can do all the things we've been dreaming of doing together. We can do all the things we've been writing about every day for months. I'll be back with all the people who I shared heart wrenching, life changing moments with... the people in my heart that I have fought so mercilessly to protect, to preserve... most of all, you. I haven't forgotten those building blocks, Jordan. I haven't forgotten those epic moments of our lives. They glow inside me like a FURNACE, like a steaming, burning fire. My alcoholism and the terrible shit I did during my addiction were part of the struggle that made me who I am today.
If nothing else, I hope this letter shows you how I truly feel, and how determined I am to get back. To my home, to my heart, to the trees, to the heat, the humidity, the hills, the lights... and most importantly,
Back to you.
Sincerely, Bob
ps. I am so fucking in love with you.