............
During a considerable amount of the 1990's I was
unhappy. Depressed, actually. I didn't like myself. I felt embarassed to be me. I don't know if I would be able to explain
this, or determine what caused me to feel this way, but I felt unloved and
unloveable and I definitely felt miserable.
Every moment of every day?
Nah. But far too frequently to
enjoy life. I got past it. Maybe because of therapy. That certainly could be what got me through
it. On the other hand, maybe not. Maybe it was like a storm I passed
through. It seemed to have started in
late '92 after the breakup of a multi-year long distance relationship that I
should have ended much much earlier, but that didn't end until she ended it,
and I'm thankful she did - though at the time I didn't feel this way. Was that the cause? The trigger?
I don't know.
.. ..
What I do know is that I found a way to focus on good things
in my life that became a nearly daily exercise and that I think is useful for
myself and for others. Useful in the
sense that it forces one away from the negative, even if only in an
intellectual sense.
.. ..
I made a list of 100 things in my life that made life feel
worthwhile and/or gave me pleasure. Now
pleasure is not happiness, but it's sure a lot better than focusing on
sadness. Making a list focused me on
what there was in my life that made each day worth living. Each day I'd try to make that list without
referring back to the list of the day before.
Not that they couldn't end up being the exact same 100 things. That was okay. Also, if I got really stuck before reaching
100, I let myself look at earlier lists.
I tried to make the list without looking at prior lists, but it wasn't
against the rules.
.. ..
My list included a few friends' names, and even a few
favorite authors or book titles. But a
lot of what was on the list were things from nature (sunrises, ripe peaches,
blueberries, lightning, butterflies) and things that many of us may take for
granted (having a decent place to live, running water, access to health care, a
good running car).
.. ..
It was definitely an effort to make that list 100 items
long, but that effort really made me focus on what in my life gave me pleasure,
joy, happiness, and I could always refer to the list if I were feeling
particularly blue.
.. ..
It is, I think, pretty normal to take certain things for
granted, especially if they've been part of our lives for a long time. There are plenty of people who suffer from
health problems from early on in their lives, but, thankfully, I'm not one of
them. Therefore, good health is easy to
take for granted. But it is one of the
things I am extremely thankful for, since we all know, from our own experiences
with illness, no matter how temporary, how dramatically bad health changes our
outlook. A big house, a fancy car, a
great career, maybe even a loving family, definitely take on less importance
when one's life is filled with pain or discomfort and anxiety about what comes
next.
.. ..
So, for myself, I try to remember to focus on those things
in my life that make my life feel worth living.
Sunrises and sunsets. Naps in the
afternoon. Playing guitar. Ladybugs.
The sound of a train in the distance (definitely not pleasurable if it's
right next door). The scent of pine
trees, the sound of water (waterfalls, rainfall, even showers). Mountains in the distance, sweet potato pie,
puppies. Having my own place to live
with indoor plumbing. Air
conditioning. Political freedom.
.. ..
Perhaps it's a bit like saying grace. Thanking the universe for the goods I've
received. And keeping the bads a bit at
bay.