Well, we're 5 months into aught 7, what better time than now to give up? Right? Over the past year since I've been living on my own in Chicago I have developed a pack a day habit, drinking ethic that would embarrass even the surliest of drunks, a sleep cycle that borders on medical concern, and a diet that would make Ronald McDonald's mascara run.
Here's a rough (but realistic) look at what I ate last week:
- Monday-
- Breakfast: A slice of pepperoni pizza, a corndog, and a cherry coke.
- Lunch: Cigarettes and Gatorade
- Dinner: Chicken Bacon Ranch from Subway and several beers
- Dessert: More beer and a shot of Jameson
- 4th Meal: The following from Wendy's; two 5pc nuggets (w/honey mustard), a ¼ double stack with cheese, and a medium Dr. Pepper
- Tuesday-
- Breakfast: A slice of pepperoni pizza, a corndog, and a Monster Energy Drink (Low Carb, who am I kidding?)
- Lunch: Cigarettes and Gatorade
- Dinner: The following from Burger King; two crispy tacos and a double cheeseburger value meal with a Dr. Pepper
- Dessert: Half a beer (I passed out from organ system failure at some point during this time which is why I didn't finish it)
- Wednesday-
- Breakfast: A slice of sausage pizza and Gatorade
- Lunch: Cigarettes and a Squirt
- Dinner: A huge sandwich that I made at my apartment
- Thursday-
- I'm fucking bored with this already. I'm a slob. Do you get the picture I'm painting now?
I eat off the "Roach Coach" (a aluminum sided truck that drives up to the work site and sells shitty food) at work every morning because I work construction, which is no excuse because I'm a grown man and fully capable of packing myself a lunch everyday… but I'm lazy. I don't know why I put cigarettes on my meal chart because I smoke them all day long; after I eat, get bored, yawn, etc. That's more of a snack if anything. I didn't even take the time to chart my daily snackage either which would add a whole other disgusting dynamic to my diet. My snacking includes anything from sunflower seeds to McDonald's double filet-o-fish vaule meals. While we're at it, we might as well throw about 3 double filet-o-fish meals on to that food list for last week. I am vile. I know this. You don't need to even think it or tell it to me, you're preaching to the choir.
I have averaged about 4 hours of a sleep for the past 4 months or so, and that's being generous. Monday-Friday I average about 2-3 hours. The only thing padding my numbers is the occasional Saturday that I sleep in 'till 9pm. No, I'm not kidding. Last month this happened and my roommate actually had to come into my room to make sure that I was still alive. Nothing like waking up to someone slamming on your door and saying, "Are you still alive?! I'm worried about you!" Good morning!! Hmmm, I think I'll take a 9:45pm shower and get ready for the promising day ahead of me. I haven't slept with any regularity since 4th grade. I've nailed it down as the cause for my insomnia. That was when everyone was first eligible to join the school band program and of course I had to jump on that dork bandwagon. We had band practice BEFORE school every morning, which started my sleep deprivation. I'm just glad those two years of clarinet lessons were beneficial. Not everyone can be 2nd to last chair in the winds section!
All I have going for me health wise is what's left of my nearly shattered metabolism. Without that tiny ray of broken light still working in my favor I would be 250 lbs and possibly dead. I have still managed (by some stroke of dumb luck) to stay relatively in shape and not gain much weight. Although, my once six-pack physique has been replaced with a baby belly and soon-to-be stretch marked gut if I don't make some drastic changes... and fast! These are the times in my life where I wish prayer was worth something. No omnipotent being would allow me to become like this without some form of divine intervention.