Right now what I really need is for all my thoughts to shut the hell up, and form a single file line! AGAIN I sit here wanting to write the worlds most beautiful, profound, or inspiring piece of work... but the words won't form anything other than a trite, dribbling, epic failure of what I truly want to say.........
So much has happened in my life in the last 6 months that I honestly have trouble remembering the starting gate. I lose my mother, who is also my best friend, so suddenly that I am to this day left with an empty and lonely feeling inside that is only occasionally remedied by a sudden emotional outburst that drops me to my knees in tears. This, within seconds, is gone leaving me feeling utterly alone and confused. I still don't know what the hell exactly happened, and honestly I borderline covet those emotional outbursts as it's the only proof that I indeed do posses human emotions.
After what could be very easily described as the "most difficult time in my life" I am also confronted with picking up all the pieces of my perfectly shattered world WHILE encountering, fixing, and just plain DEALING with things that, at the time, were entirely beyond and outside my maturity level. HERE sign some papers with words like administrix, executrix, probate, surrogates court.... while you are supposedly supposed to be grieving. THEN let's add the fact that all but maybe two people in your family think you are heartless, ruthless, or money hungry bitch.
So time passes and many breakdowns, outbursts, and proverbial AND literal "fuck you-s!" later, things begin to calm, the waves ebb, and life is at the very least tolerable. I finally begin to mend a relationship with somebody that was for the better part of a year, noxious. (THIS at times being an understatement!) So yes, there is another block lifted from my chest, eventhough at times I had no choice but to sit and seriously ponder WHY things with this person weren't so friggen simple and pleasant to bloody begin with.
Then comes the overflow of old friends and emotions making camp in my life again. Some enter rapidly, and just as expeditiously, leave rendering me speechless and rather confused. WHILE others enter and embed as if nothing ever changed and I am left to wonder what the HELL broke the original contact. One of which has turned into the most life changing moment (other than my mother and child of course) of my life.
All of a sudden the romantically cynical girl who once swore she'd never love again is not only smitten but head over heals, consumed, and enveloped in love. I am thinking and feeling things that I forgot or didn't even REALIZE existed. I find myself looking at my own reflection, others, and the world in an enormously different manner than I ever have......
I am beautiful inside and out. I deserve to be happy, no matter what any of you say or think, or try to make ME feel. PEOPLE are flesh, bones, and emotion, and despite what MANY of you believe I myself conclude that you CAN change the world, at the very least your OWN with "just" what you are. And this WORLD.... this world is perfectly imperfect and forever will be. One only need find the appropriate, or right fault line, sinkhole, or chasm to niche themselves in to make it. I myself have done so, and in such, though my life be chaotically ordered, would have it no other way. For the first time in my life I can say with very little ambiguity, that I am happy and content.