REPRODUCING MY BLOGS FROM MY SITE, SKULLZDOTORG. the Apok has been many places and seen many things. To begin with, the state of Maryland, in punishment for sucking at their unemployment teat, forced me to go to a seminar. Two days of motivational crap entitled Early Intervention. I swear, it was geared more toward preventing people from getting depressed about being jobless and slitting their wrists in a bathtub, than to helping people develop job-searching skills. Our instructor was a goofy lady, who loved Tina Turner overtly, was a failed motivational speaker in a past life. She'd had a brain anyuerism years ago, you see, and was blind for 6 months. She did a lot of soul searching, and she can testify that we can do anything we want to if we just put our mind to it. I think she did, at least for day one, try to keep things as secular as possible, but she drifted seamlessly from motivation to out-right preaching several times. Did you know that if you outreach your hands, you can make an apple-sized brain tumor disappear in a day? Oh, only if you believe, of course. I suffered through two days, and learned nothing new about resumes or job practices that i didn't already know. Oh, i am special though, apparently. I previously had no idea. I've been walking around with a bit more confidence and, yes, a little spring in my step, because, as Tina Turner declared, i am special. So, yeah, that worked out pretty well. Now, for a confession. the Apok is going bald. Yep. My hairline is thinning faster than Anna Nicole on TrimSpa. Perhaps one day i'll shave my head for the Valrik look, or go natural for the Captain Picard look, but i like my hair too much right now, and i'm not ready to say goodbye. So, i did what any vain twentysomething internet celebrity would do, and bought Rogaine. Its actually not too expensive if you buy it online, as i was wont to do. It has this strange applicator tip, which lets the holy water out as you press it against your scalp. For some reason, it makes me feel like one of those bald Play-doh heads from the eighties, only, i'm forcing the play-doh in the other direction. I won't know if it will work for another two to four months, so, i'll keep you posted. Yesterday, i had to attend two weddings and a graduation party. The first was a Catholic wedding. I looked at the program, and it might as well have been a play. There were readings, recessionals, acts, arias, and even a bathroom break. This thing lasted an hour and a half. The bride and groom did every ceremonial act known to man short of walking across hot coals barefoot and doing a little tapdance to finish it off. It was pretty cool, though, because the priest was none other than Santa Claus. And let me tell you, old St Nick is a wordy motherfucker. Only a few people said Amen on the first cue, and Santa laid into us hardcore. He sassed us like none have been sassed before. We all got switched to his naughty list right then and there, i'm sure. I'm not christian at all, but even i began to feel bad. I was afraid, at some point, he was going to have his eight reindeer come in and let us have it. The second wedding, at a Methodist church, was a cool half an hour. The reception was cool, with food that was actually recognizable and edible. The bartender was a 90-year old lady, and even shorter than the mom from Golden Girls. She told the same fucking story over and over about how her earrings were from Avon 40 years ago, i was ready to rip them off and shit on them. As long as she kept the Shirley Temples coming, though, i could maintain my anger. Barely. The DJ, too, was a wordy motherfucker, and was more dramatic than Adam West doing a Shatner impression. He talked every chance he could get, like it was his wedding. I half expected him to say fuck it at some point, and just start singing karaoke for an hour. To give you a status update on the puppies, they shit more than the elderly on laxatives. If anyone knows how to properly potty train dogs, go the to forums and tell me. Otherwise, i'll be auctioning authentic dog hides on Ebay soon.