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Maybe I'm thinking too much of it. Maybe I shouldn't be bothered with it because it's in the past and ultimately, nothing can be done about it.. but I'm starting to miss my high school days. And by that, I mean my lack thereof.
You see, somewhere in the second-half of my freshman year, I dropped out of public school and got enrolled in a private school.. also known as homeschool. I was perfectly cool with it, because I got to see my then-girlfriend on a very regular basis, and as much of a hermit as I'll sound for saying it, I had no problem being alone. I don't mean that in the 'brooding emo' way, but more like the 'even though I had plenty of friends in school, I was able to get by without them' way. Now, I'm regretting the lost years and the overall high school experience that I simply can't ever achieve.
I know, I know. I'm the kind of guy who usually says 'What's in the past is in the past for a reason. It's done, look to the future.', and usually that's how I'll look at anything. But I guess that's why I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly why I'm thinking back on this so heavily. I mean, there's so many people I've seen over the past 12 months that I knew from then that have changed so much (for better or worse), and even though I think it's amazing to see people evolve into the person they've become, I just wish I could have experienced the evolution myself.. y'know? And the thing is, I wouldn't mind so much if I had gotten out more in the meantime, to connect with these people on a somewhat regular basis. But to be quite honest, I wasted my days away in my bedroom for about a year and a half.
After that, I would have been down and out regardless, considering my 3 months of dealing with halo traction/spinal fusion surgery and the 3 months after that dealing with post-procedure recovery during everyone's sophomore/junior years, a period that I can honestly say was the hardest time of my life. However, I can also say that this much I don't regret. I needed the surgery to live a decent lifespan and not completely twist up like a pretzel to the point that one day I would suffocate from too much pressure applied to my lungs, due to the obvious scoliosis. During these 6 months alone, my eyes were opened to such an extent that I don't believe in the person I was then. To be frank, I was something of an idiot. I had to put up with the feeling of being helpless in many more ways than one, and a period that was so emotionally painful and unexpected that I didn't know if I could handle it anymore. I had too much on my plate then, and there was literally nothing I could do about it. Believe me, you couldn't imagine being more frustrated if you tried. As far as this portion of my life goes, I wouldn't change a thing. Even though the whole thing would have been incredibly easier with a few things altered, I feel that it's made me the person I am today. Basically, after the experiences I dealt with in all of this I learned to appreciate life.. and for this, I'm thankful.
But seriously, 18 months of what was basically isolation from a huge chunk of my friends? Looking back, I don't see how I didn't go stir-crazy. But then again, maybe I did.. who knows? I mean, these days I couldn't imagine a life without my friends. Say I'm being overemotional if you'd like, but I love my friends. Every last fucking one of 'em.
After I was finally healed and better, a few more emotional troubles came along, but I found them miraculously easier to brush off this time around. Regardless, I spent another good 6 months doing a whole lot of nothing. At some point or another, I got to talking to some old friends and getting out more, which lead to new friends and your typical cliché 'coming-of-age' story.. which pretty much brings us to where we are today.
I don't know why I felt the need to write this or even think back on it, but it's helped to get it all off of my chest I think. I think the point of this was to discover something within myself. Maybe to learn from those wasted years, to have more motivation to get out there and show the world what I'm made of? Or maybe it's meaningless. Again, who knows? Either way, I know I'm not one for serious blogs, but I feel better for having written this. Whether you read through this longer-than-intended blog or not isn't a concern to me.. I just felt it was something I needed to say somewhere, to someone.
If you did stick through this, I hope I didn't overly waste your time.
- sammy.
 | Currently listening:
Sometimes
By City and Colour
Release date: 2009-01-13 |
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9:06 AM
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