TOUGH NUTS
Tomorrow you will be receiving Gone Awry Small Critter Repellent in the mail.
It doesn't actually kill squirrels, but keeps them away with fear and terror.
It supposedly contains cougar or weasal urine or some shit.
Squirrels are scared of wildcats and vampires.
Apply lotion directly to squirrel.
Check to see if the squirrel becomes amazing.
CAUTION: Squirrels may try to blow your mind.
Discreetly use squirrels as valets or "slickee boys" only.
Squirrels will not talk to "girl ghosts."
CAUTION: Squirrels may come together as one giant squirrel, like in the bible.
At this time, Death may be preferred.
Squirrels are known to be TOUGH NUTS.