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Current mood:determined to get better
Category: School, College, Greek
boy, has april been an intereting month.
in fact, give me a moment...
...momemt, sort of complete...
man, i'm so tired right now. i'm tired of saying i'm tired. i don't ever want to start another blog saying i'm tired. let's face it, sometimes in life, i'm not honest with myself. most people aren't (sorry, deflecting), but i'm definatly not.
have you ever had one of those moments when it all it's you and you're like, 'that's it, i can't take it anymore, THIS is exactly what's wrong with my life!"-- and it's not a job, or a car, or the fact that you can't get those new shoes or go on vacation to guam or mexico (not now, anyway)... it's something more profound... then that moment hits full on in the face... usually in the mist of some impending crisis-- and if it's usually good & helpful, you partly, if not wholy brought it upon yourself?
well, that's what happen to me today. after about a year's break from near contant anxiety (thanks doc), i went into a swelter of an anxiety attack that lasted for 3 days near straight. it was bound to come sooner or later. i was trying to prepare to divert, or avoid, but it hit me square the fuck in the face, and there i was shaking, nerves all tied up, and just nuerotically paranoid. the only difference between the last three days, and five years ago, is that i had some perspective.
you see, has you're hitting this life wall, and things start to mountk, with perspective, somehow you're able to think something objective about it... and you take it in.
okay, story goes... i took the hardest class i've taken in my life thus far... cause there was no way to bulshit around it with my charm. there was a paper every week, and not just, bulshit, bulshit, bulshit... i had to do research, cause i didn't know SHIT. every line was quoted, cause i didn't know shit. i go around a lot saying i don't know shit, in the hopes that that'll end the conversation so no one will expect anything from me, but this time, i litterlly couldn't know shit-- it scared me, and has usually. i ran from it, avoiding anything that might possible chanllange my intellegence, or even worst, make me work beyond the realms of intellegence that i'd grown acustom to. i know, rolling in late to work, i know sleep walking through bulshit papers, i know intellectulizing the new beck cd. i don't know jack shit about networking.
did you know i just went back to school to agrandazie my ego? i knew that teachers seemed more impressed with a turn of a word then employers do-- i wanted to feel, "special" and "loved". that don't happen at U of P. they aren't chastising 19 year olds who are escaping thier parents... they are dealing with tired ass old people who want job security or a raise. not toddlers.
beyond the papers, and the team project, where, instead of working with my normal drill sargent, i got to work with a team that i was so SURE would procrastinate even more then i did so that i could pass the buck partially to them for the paper sucking... yup, i have an entire fucked up scheme for the way i currently cope with life.
in addition to this, i got a larger account at work to collect money from, and instead of doing it (cause, at this point in time, i honestly don't give a shit about collecting E's money) i instead pawned it off has some other dude's sorta fault, cause he's no more seemingly reliable then i am to my bosses, so why not pass the buck there too (but, be sure not to truly suggest buck passage-- just act all sad about thier damn money, and like, 'uh, i tried, i, uh'-- wasn't even that good a liar bout it)
all these twisted fucked up schemes to keep me from a) taking responsibly for what i want, b) taking responsiblity for what i don't want, and c) all and all, avoiding the inevitable conflict that comes from both.
the days leading up to the current revelation that i got tonight, around maybe 6 o'clock were interesting... day time relevant dreams, every movie i saw pointed to it. some things people said... i can look back and see where i was going to lead to-- today. the ralization that i a) can't procrastinate anymore, b) have to accept that no matter what fear happens no matter what i do-- there's never a day when i will try something different that it will be SOOO PERFECT that it won't hurt my stomach and starts the voices of paranoia. c) that i have to try, and d) that i'll never have a life that I can be PROUD of if i ignore these feelings.
there's so much to say, but i don't have the room, i was about to say energy, but i don't no what else to say in this space.
 | Currently listening:
Make Yourself
By Incubus
Release date: 1999-10-26 |
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6:12 AM
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