Dear Nicole Kidman,

Happy 40th birthday. Although why your 40th birthday is such big news I'm not really sure.

Love, JG
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Dear stupid cow from Fyshwick,

So you burned your throat after you opened a bottle of apple juice that had passed its use-by date and found there was something caustic inside the bottle. Perhaps when your throat heals, you might tell us why exactly you were determined to drink something whose best-by date had expired a whole year earlier?

Love, JG
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Dear Texan lynch mob,

That guy who knocked down that little girl, and whose friend you beat to death after he tried to help the other guy? Good stuff. Clearly a menace to society has been eradicated. You must feel like such big, smart men now. I'd love to know what you do to people who are actually guilty of wrongdoing. Actually, don't tell me, I think I can live without that knowledge.

Love, JG
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Dear George W. Bush,

So you vetoed that stem cell research bill because it represented a moral line you didn't want America to cross. Where does that leave the other moral lines America has crossed under your spurious leadership? War and political destabilisation and deaths of thousands good, stem cell studies bad?

Love, JG
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Dear US Democrats,

So much for having control of Congress when Bush Minor can still just override you by himself like that, eh. I knew you were getting your hopes up unnecessarily.

Love, JG
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Dear John Howard,

Your latest act of paternalism plan to solve the Aboriginal crisis in the NT intrigues me. The solution according to you includes banning alcohol sales on Indigenous land for the next six months and banning the possession of X-rated pornography. As you rightly say, you shouldn't have a black or white boundary... so what are you going to do about white people with drinking problems and white people who own X-rated porn? What are you doing about white pedophiles and child abusers? Or do those things only happen to black people in this country?

Love, JG
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Dear Sami ul Haq,

So you reckon the British government should give knighthoods to Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar just because they also gave one to Salman Rushdie. Would you be unduly offended if I invited you on the British government's behalf to go and fuck yourself? Cheers. I knew you'd be understanding and rational about the situation.

Love, JG
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Dear Pope Benedict the Umpteenth,

Good to see the Vatican keeping up with the hectic pace of modern life through its issuing the 'Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road', also being called the Ten Commandments for driving. I can't help but feel, however, that the Vatican could do the world more good by facing up to bigger issues than road rage; you know, issues like homosexuality, abortion, contraception, and the fact that the Catholic clergy is riddled with pedophiles. That sort of thing.

Love, JG