I've heard through the grapevine (our management) that we have indeed been nominated for a Gruene With Envy award to the tune of Best New Artist. Now, the votes are counted via online submission through various categories in which you can vote once every 24 hours. It is a bittersweet and somewhat strange honor to be included in a list of songwriters and musicians that must now become sworn my enemies. We did not ask for this honor but we are happy for it to be thrust upon us. Now begins our savage battle for the title of Best New Artist. It should be a bloody bloody campaign. "No quarter asked, and none given!"
 
 Here is what our investigative staff has learned about our formidable opponents:
 
 Josh Abbott fathered two illegitimate orphans in Jaurez. He has never visited them and due to border jurisdiction sends them no money. Their mother died two years ago in a tragic weather balloon accident involving a Saint Bernard named Jesus "hey zues".
 
 Casey Donahew was detained recently for conspiracy to publicly urinate on a Texas flag in protest of the state legislator passing a law that requires computer-repair technicians to obtain a private investigators license. Seriously...look it up!
 
 Sean McConnell: "The surname McConnell is the most accurate English phonetic spelling of the name for the MacDonald Clan in Gaelic, "MacDhomnhuill."  In Gaelic, after the c in Mac the d becomes silent and the name is pronounced somewhat as though it were spelled MacHonnell, which is close to how we pronounce "McConnell." In early English documents, MacDonald was almost always written "McConnell."  McConnells were the same people as the MacDonalds.  McConnell is one of hundreds of variations of the original Gaelic surname.   Other common variations are MacDonald, McDonald, McDaniel, and McDonnell."
 
 Obviously he is to blame for the dollar menu and indirectly our morbidly obese social welfare recipients.
 
 Modern Day Drifters: drifting has been frowned upon for centuries.
 
 Marren Morris is a pre-reincarnation of Dolly Parton. Ancient mystic law dictates that no soul embodying two people in an overlapping lifespan can be recognized as a mortal being. The Gruene With Envy bi-laws clearly state that no computer or other none mortal being can be recognized for an award. Not to mention that her seemingly pre-reincarnated status hardly qualifies her for the "new artist" category.
 
 Zach Walther and The Cronkites: Following Walter Cronkite's editorial report during the Tet Offensive that the Vietnam War was unwinnable, President Lyndon Johnson is reported to have said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost middle America."
 
 Is it too far a stretch to say that this band is partially, if not completely, responsible for the spread of communism? I think not! Walter Cronkite and Zach Walther both lied to you about the moon landing and put our God fearing sudo-socialist country in great danger!!!
 
 Scott Wiggins Band: they seem alright to me...that's who we voted for!

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love,

charlie

We are Charlie Shafter and The Gnomes and We Approve This Message