Hi there!  You see the reason I haven't been writing at all anymore is not because I've been busy or anything, but because I suck. 

To be honest, I just really haven't had anything cool or annoying happen to me that I thought was worth writing about.  Well, until yesterday, when I sat down and thought about all of the things I've been bottling up inside and not sharing with you - my dear readers...if any of you are still even there.   

Remember when I said that I was thinking of moving back home and working in a different industry than bartending?  Pssshaw, well that didn't happen.  You see, I was under the very unwise impression that I was making good money here at my job and that I'd be a butthole if I quit now to move back to MI where the economy brings visions of swirling toilet bowls full of poop dancing in my head.

Nope, as a matter of fact I havent done anything to improve my life.  I'm still smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish, and acting like an asshole...only amplify all of that by two.

And no, in no particular order...here's what you all have been missing, and I have kept burried deep, deep inside of my rotten soul:

-A guy came in to the bar (fortunatley this isn't the beginning of a very bad joke...or is it?) a couple to a few months ago (I can't remember which, on account of I drink ALOT) and (these parentheses are annoying aren't they?) I remembered that I had seen him before a long time ago and that something he did got my Spanx in a twist the last time, but I couldn't remember what the hell.  Well, apparently that mystery was sloved once his food arrived and he proceeded to talk with his mouth full of shrimp and crab dip, which is horrifying enough by itself I might add, but total that up with the fact that he was also he giggling like a tit and asking me if I was the future mother of his children.

Uhhhh yeah.  My ovaries couldnt help but snap to attention the minute you walked in with your chubby belly, beady eyes, and your very red and bulbous nose...that's pitted.  Those are certainly traits I look for to mix my flawless DNA with.  The fact that you are older than my Great Grandpappy, not to mention your table etiquette can only be summed up as epic FAIL also arent making me all hot and sweaty down there.  And stop undressing me with your eyes, will ya bubba?  

Is there something missing in old men's noggins that tell them when they're out of their league when it comes to younger women not wanting them to mount her?  Ewww!  Oh my god I just shit in my pants a little.


I had the exteme pleasure of serving a table full of postal workers.  Well, that is the truth only if you replace the feeling of "extreme pleasure" with the sensation of "spinal tap without a numbing" and there you have it, folks.  It was about that painful.  Nevermind none of the other two bartenders felt like going to a table full of posties, so I was the sap that would be receiving all of their built up hell-fire shit that they seemed to all have been saving that day just for me.  One guy asked for a half diet half regular coke with a LOT of ice.  "Because I'm crazy," he added.  "No really.  I'm crazy," he re-stated as I walked away to fetch his complicated-just-for-the-purpose-of-being-complicated soda fucking pop.  So I saw where this was going fast and asked them at the very beginning if we were going to be doing seperate checks or all together.  "Put 'em all together and we'll figure it out," bellows a fat dude (yes...bellows - and yes...very fat) right in my face even though my poor right ear was not even an inch away from his talk hole as I leaned in to give crazy guy his drink.  So i put all the checks togeher...as instructed.  No point and seeing if it's true what they say when you piss off a postal worker, let alone 8 of them.  I didnt want to see if that rumor was true, but i will tell you what is true as the night drudged on:  postal workers don't really have the social skills that allows them to go out to a restaurant and NOT act like a jackass.  They shook their empty glasses at me, banged their empty glasses on the tabele, waved me down and...GRIT GRIT...whistled at my ass like a was some dumb filthy animal.  I might as well have walked back up to the table on all fours and took the money in my mouth when they tipped me 10% ona massive bill and belittled me to the point I drowned myself in a bottle of vodka after work.  Oh...and at the end they asked for seperate checks and I swear I heard a gong go off somewhere.

There's more...but it's late and Im tired and sober, so that means I'm unmotivated.  I am definitley going to try to write more bacause it makes me feel better, and hopefully it makes you all feel better that you are to judge me.  Man, people suck.  

Hasta!