So I got a third email today about the casting of some new reality show starring plus-size women.
I mean absolutely no disrespect if you've gone in for the casting or think it's awesome or whatever. I love reality TV just as much as everybody else does and watch way way way too much of it. For real.
However, in addition to my own near miss, I have the luxury of watching these shows with my sound mixer and story editor friends: people who get to be physically present at the scene of the crime and get to slice and dice it any way they see fit. They sit and reminisce about what actually happened on the shoots- Who actually said what and in which context; how it looks now; hypothesizing and analyzing what the invisible producers were scheming and how successful they were in creating a villain or a hero; who got frankenbit and how often, etc etc etc. What "really happened" and what we think we're being led to believe. And now I do it constantly myself. The girl's wearing a sweater in one shot, and not in the following. The hiccups in a person's speech- the artfully inserted B-roll.. It's all I can think about now.

Long story short, I'm WAY too much of a control freak for reality TV stardom.

And granted, none of this is fact, just my healthily paranoid opinion. TO ME, this Big Hearted Love Affair show sounds a whole lot like somebody's idea of a hilarious joke.
Fancy romantic music plays... the camera caresses some beefcake as a sexy masculine voiceover begins ..."You loved The Bachelor, but are you ready for a REAL MAN? This guy is totally hot, rich, smart, and kind to chickens. He's looking for a woman as REAL as he is. But can he handle... A REAL... BIG... FAT... WOMAN!?!?!" the music screeches to a halt, something like Fat Bottom Girls, or Baby Got Back, or She's a Brick House starts thumping as clips of fat women in tiny, shiny outfits eat and cavort and cry and throw things at eachother.

Because, if they're scouring the internet like this for the fat ladies... obviously they need a lot of us.
The casting says "In this romantic competition of love and seduction, one big and beautiful woman will become the envy of all others and attain the love of lifetime." And it SOUNDS like you might get to be the Bachelorette, with the studly studs all vying for your attention, but I will bet you one hundred and fifty dollars that the fats are the boogers in this nostril and not the finger.

I wish MTV or E! or VH1 or whatever MajorTelevisonNetwork is airing this show was interested in an uplifiting and stereotype busting party, but I just don't have any faith that this show isn't crossing it's fingers and hoping to god it's the next Rock of Love or Joe Millionaire or Douchebag School.

Actually, the more I think about Tool Academy, the more creeped out I get. What if, instead of "unsuspecting bad boys" being tossed into a Charm School... some genius is hoping for "unsuspecting fatty fats" thrown into a Biggest Loser competition where they're not only competing for a "Shot at Love", they're also shooting for a "Shot at Life". Or maybe there'll just be one big orgy of feeding and trashyness. Nothin says lovin like a kiddie pool full of mayo... right? RIGHT??!!

Obviously it's no news that reality TV production involves lots of tricky tricky trickery. These shows are dependent on deception and people making fools of themselves. Happy, well-adjusted people do NOT make good TV. And if you're not crazy on your own, producers will "introduce situations" in an effort to make you crazy, and if THAT doesn't work, then they rely on the good ol' story editors to highlight and insert and delete and make you LOOK crazy.

Maybe I'm a hypercritical misanthrope but when I see shit like the "Reunion Special" for second season of the Rock of Love, when Destiney is forced to watch footage of her recently deceased father (like seriously 2 weeks recently deceased) and suffers a friggin hysterical shaking breakdown right there on national TV, VH1 chooses to AIR the shit and congratulates itself all the way to the bank. I just can't believe that they're not hoping that the fats will be next on the chopping block.

And I know that by watching the shows I'm feeding them and making the airwaves a terrible place. I know it. I'm sorry.
And I have to say that if I know you and you are or want to be on this show, you are a being far far far braver than I, and I don't think you're stupid or naive or trashy. I really sincerely wish you all the luck and strength in the universe, because I just don't trust the motherfuckers. But I totally want to hear all about everything about it.

ETA: OH WAIT. OH FUCKING WAIT.