So I warm up my MySpace account, hoping for once that somebody out there loves me (besides John Ostrander - is he on this stupid thing?  I miss that guy), and what do I get?  Friend requests from a bunch of totally slutty-looking broads.  And also some emo kids. 

I mean, I guess that's pretty much the best you can expect from a website owned by Fox - but couldn't they shoot me, like, that girl from The OC?  You know, not Gangly McDrunken, but the cute one?  Yeah, her.  Help a brother out, Fox. 

But I digress - my original point was that I got some mail on this thing.  From total liars.  Example?  Here:

"So, my name is Makenzie. I think you and I should be friends, cause you seem pretty fun, and maybe even cute! (it's everso tough to tell in this digital world :)" 

Unless Makenzie has a thing for both ridiculously low-riding jeans AND guys that look like David Ogden Stiers covered in Floam, she either never looked at my pics or she's my freaking dream girl.  And since my dream girl died in flames on the cold, unfeeling red soil of Mars four thousand years ago, I guess that makes Makenzie a TOTAL LIAR.

There's more!  From Page: "Enjoying yourself with the ladies? I know I am! I like meeting cool guys. I don't want to sound rushed but I hope your still single."

Man, I'm from SPACE and I know that's the wrong form of "your."  And is she implying that she enjoys the company of ladies?  Because I can totally cater to that sort've thing.  Shapeshifting effing rules. 

Page goes on: "I was showing things to my friend and she found you darn cute. she BEGGED me to give you her email since she doesn't have an account on here."

Well, I mean, if she BEGGED...

"You should reach her at [redacted fake email address] at yahoo. She's a very nice person, always horny (that's what she says) and cute. She's also in great shape!"

I can be in any great shape I feel like, baby.  I think the ladies dig my giant collar.  And my boss medallions. 

Or, you know, maybe they're just advertising their shoddily-made porn sites.  What sounds more likely to you?  (I know the truth already.  Because I'm a freaking psychic, is how.)