Sorry if I bore you with my life story sometimes. Its your choice to read about it. Its one of the ways I share whats going on in my heart. So here it goes.

I don't have friends. You are thinking, "Yeah right. How can a person not have friends." You think I'm breathing too much into it, and that its just not possible. Why would I say I don't have friends if I didn't mean it? I don't say it to make people feel sorry for me. Its the truth. When somebody ask, "Why don't you go out with friends since you feel so lonely all the time?" I be honest and say, "I don't have friends."

I hated my childhood. School was the hardest for me because I was piked on. My hair was more red then it is now back then. And people would make fun of me. Guys would laugh at how skinny I was and boney. I was practically a nerd at one point in my life and I was made fun for that too. Not just that, but I was probobly the only girl in my classroom who's parents didn't run off to the local Baton Rouge casino to play games. As well, I never watched Titanic when it came out on video and I didn't know anything about secular music. I didn't have anything in common with girls my age. Plus, I wasn't a pretty girl.

Things generally change when you get older. Yes, its true. I was no longer made fun of anymore for my appearence. But I was made fun of for my faith.

Going to church were probobly some of the most horrorific times in my life. Because I was hurt. I was in a youth group who I absolutely loved, but they didn't love me back. At times I was holding my world in. At other times I was literly screaming at them, "WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!" I was in pain and nobody cared about me! I was yelling, wanting somebody to listen to me, to hug me and say that I was loved for who I was and nothing would change that. Its not like I chose not to have friends. They chose not to have me.

I am nothing more than somebody you know. You might see me on the street or in the store. You might say a few kind words to me, and that be it. I am nothing more to you than somebody you once knew or just know for the time being. You don't know how much that hurts me. I want to be of importance. I want to be special. I hate talking on the phone, but I wish somebody would call me up just to hear how I was doing. I wish somebody would take the time out of their day to write me a letter or even send an email if they have to, just to keep in contact with me. I wish somebody would take the time out of their day to drive to my house to visit with me, to take me out to dinner, to see a movie just to show that they care about me, that I am worth it! I don't like having to beg for it! You think I want to be typing this right now? This is something I never share with anybody!

I have been feeling this emotion all day. And I am sick of it. I was literly crying today and just asking God why? Why must I be alone like this? Why do I not matter? I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes 4: 9- 12, where it says, "Two are better than one. Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." NKJV
For a long time I would never let anybody to see inside my life. Because I was afraid I would be hurt again. But then I finally let myself go, and I want people in my life. But why is it that the Bible says that two are better than one, yet I am all alone?! Why is it when I am in need of help, no one is there to pick me back up? I was crying to God, "Why does Your Word say this, yet I am still all alone?!"

I tossed my Bible to the side. Then picked it back up again. I opened my Bible and read whatever it was on the page. It was Proverbs 3:3, "Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Blind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart, And so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man." NKJV
Don't ask why, I felt a little calmer reading this verse. I took my left wrist, and with my index finger and my thumb on my right hand, I pinched my wrist as hard as I could until I felt I couldn't pinch it no more. A small line was left on both sides of my wrist, where I imagined a spiked nail being driven into my skin. My wrist felt sore and hurt. And it was like God telling me, that this was something that he did for me.

I have always felt that I didn't mean anything to anyone. And it took a lot to write what I wrote above. But I can tell you this now, that I mean something to God. For Him to allow the world, including me, drive large nails into His Son's wrist and feet, just for me to breathe today, I mean something to God! This is truth that I have been brought up on my whole life, but often forget. Thats what it means in Proverbs 3, blind mercy and truth around your neck, write them in your heart. Thats something I sometimes fail to do and forget. "And this is the testimony; that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.
These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God." 1 John 5:11,13. NKJV

I tell you this. I mean something to God. There is nothing that can change that. You can't change it. I can't change it! And if this is not real in your life, then you have got to be the most miserable person in this world. Only when you turn your focus off yourself and to God will you find your true identity which is in Christ, and in Jesus Christ alone! I ofetn, and I mean very often, feel that nobody in this world will ever care about me. I still wish I had somebody who could lift me up just like Ecc 4: 9. But I don't. I still don't get God sometimes. But I know that I mean something to Him even when He is silent in my life.