How It All Started -- (A tale of Woe from Allyson)
A long time ago, long before I was a sucker, something crazy happened to me. It all started when I called my friend Michelle to pass the buck about a dog that needed to be saved. After all, I am banker, what did I know about where to send a homeless dog. She said, I am so busy now, call my friend Lynne, she'll know what to do.
If this were a televised soap opera, you would be hearing the theme from Jaws or Friday the 13th right here.
Unbeknownst to me, Lynne is the Matriarch of ALL the Crazy Rescue Girls in our group. As she spoke, with her soft voice, I swear I could literally feel the brainwashing taking place in my brain. I calmly hung up the phone and gave serious thought to Birkenstocks and buying a mini van. It was all so strange, like the Stepford Wives, I had a new spring in my step - and I suddenly just knew I had to save dogs (and cats too).
For the most part, rescue people are insane but VERY sweet people. That's why it is so hard to leave Stepford. One day, another Crazy Rescue Girl and I decided to step up to the plate and go pick up a dog that someone in my group put a hold on at an animal shelter. It sounded easy enough.
It seemed like it took six days to get there because all Crazy Rescue Girl Adventures have to take place out in the country where the tornados live. We had the sunroof open, music blaring and we're feeling all holier than thou and we're seriously happy with ourselves like, look how great we are.
It must have been something in the country tornado air because the people who worked at the shelter clearly had some of the holier than thou thing going on too. Only they were all rude as hell. Even the ones with teeth. That's when my PMS flared up and I saw myself beating a shelter employee with my Coach bag. In the simplest monosyllabic words I could muster, I confidently said, "We are here to pick up a dog that was supposed to be put down."
What a moron I was. Like all the normal people I grew up with, I was under the mistaken impression that people at animal shelters were there to save animals. I have since learned that this misconception has reached pandemic proportions and affects normal people nationwide. You would have thought we were picking up the Pope himself.
There was a strip search, several id checks, 6 phone calls to make sure we really were the supposed to pick up this dog (that they were going to kill anyway) and then came the forms. The mutant shelter people wanted to make it as hard as possible for us to save this little dogs life.
My friend and I look at each other and smile like we are on LSD, knowing we have to save the bitch-fest until we get in the car. We give the shelter mutants the same crazy smile but this time tilting our heads slightly to the right in true Stepford style and politely say "Thank you so much, you've been so helpful". That's when I knew the brain washing really did happen. There was no question - it happened all right. I hung tough though. I smiled and let them talk down to me and then got away from them as fast as I possibly could. Dog in tow, we are audi.
As we are loading this freshly saved life into the car, a lady pulls in, in a big beat up country truck. As she is getting out, my friend spots a puppy in the back of her truck - of course she did. WHY G-d Why?? One foot in the car, my hand on the door -this is where shelter-ville starts moving in slow motion. Before I could take another slow motion breath, BOING - 5 puppies appear with their little heads peeking out over the truck bed. It was as if they were on a remote timer, controlled by Lynne the Matriarch, and she was back in Columbus cackling like the Wicked Witch of The West in the Wizard of Oz, screaming "Now they're hooked!" She's really more like Glenda the sweet witch, but I was sure she was still cackling like that.
My friend and I look at each other for a second and inside my head I am slow motion screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO DONN'T DOOOO ITT!!!!!" She says "OMG you're not bringing those puppies in there are you??" I was imagining the whole thing took place on Tivo and all I had to do was click that little button three times boodoop, boodoop, boodoop and all the words would go back in her mouth. She was in full Stepford mode and I was right behind her. I knew I couldn't let that lady bring those cute puppies in to the shelter mutants. Damn! What was happening to me?? We were so close – so close to being out of there and on our way. We were rookies at being Crazy Rescue Girls – we didn't know anything!
Safely back in the car now, 6 dogs in tow, we are finally on our way. I am freaking out just a little. Clearly six dogs is more than I am comfortable managing as a new Crazy Rescue Girl so I have to call in for back ups. I call the closest volunteer I can think of – Deborah. I tell her my tale of woe and she is laughing the whole time. We arrive at her house where her abundant experience comes to light as does my stupidity. She looks the puppies over, comments on how cute they are and after a two second assessment, points out that these adorable pups not only have ticks but worms. I vomit in my mouth just a little and pee is running down my leg.
Secretly, at this point I am thanking G-d I didn't take my car and at the same time wondering how far a tick could leap. Running my fingers through my curly locks quietly checking for ticks, I listen to Deborah talk about all the stuff we are going to have to buy to take care of these puppies.
"Take care of them? What do you mean take care of them? Don't we have some weekend vet shelter place where we can drop them off to get cleaned up?" Now Deborah is laughing like the Wicked Witch of The West only it's coming through in stereo booming from the heavens like thunder with the volume all the way up.
Here is where I realize, my brief little, self-aggrandizing Crazy Rescue Girl plan has just gone from a short Sunday trip to an all out Adventure and that these puppies would be impacting the next weeks and possibly months of my life.
Over the next few weeks a couple of them got very sick. We thought we might lose one or two but we got them all cleaned up, fed them 14 kinds of medicine, drove them to the vet several times and they all made it. The puppies were adopted by some great families and the Crazy Rescue Girl I drove down there with kept two for herself!
[said in loud booming echoed voice]
Tune in next week for more Sweet Adventures of Crazy Rescue Girl!