Slow Down

By AllMakesCombined

          I went camping last weekend where I rather enjoyed myself.  The only exception was something an instance that reminded me of a time when I used to live in Pasadena, MD.  On Hickory Point Road, there lived a grumpy man with a mission.  The mission, it seemed, was to one day have the drivers licenses of all those under the age of 20 revoked.  If this mission didn't actually exist, then the only other explanation was that this man, Mr. Deets, simply had no perception of decibel or speed.  Any vehicle, passing by his house making any kind of noise, would be subject to the antics of Mr. Deets.  Mr. Deets enjoyed commanding traffic to slow down as they went by.  He even occasionally called the police on vehicles which weren't breaking any kind of traffic law.

          Hickory Point Road, though being considered within a residential area, had a speed limit of 35 miles per hour.  The road, unlike many residential areas, even had a double yellow line painted down the center.

          After running experiments, my friend and roommate at the time determined that Mr. Deets only reacted to vehicles which, by perception alone, seemed to be going fast.  Even vehicles travelling at only 25 mph, so long as they did so in a low gear, were victim to his perceived retaliation.  One experiment involved Bill's Honda Civic (affectionately known at the time as Beavis).  We passed by his house, while travelling below the speed limit (approx 20 mph), but in first gear.  This had the engine running at a higher RPM as we passed by.  To our surprise, Mr. Deets demanded that we slow down.  When we made a second pass at 40 mph in fifth gear, Mr. Deets watched us pass by his house but without any sort of reaction.

          On one occasion (at least the only time I was ever aware of) he had called the police.  Bill was following me in his Honda, my friend Jason driving his Dodge Omni, and I was leading in my first car at the time – a 1972 AMC Javelin SST.  The police pulled all three of us over, but couldn't issue a citation for any kind of moving violation.  In fact, the only ticket issued was to me:  $20 fine for not changing the address on my driver's license within 30 days of moving to a new residence.  I would later be dismissed of the charge while the police officer technically had to motive for stopping me in the first place.

          The only time we ever really willingly harassed Mr. Deets was when it was close to the time that I would move to another neighborhood.  In addition to his Honda, Bill also had a pro-street '79 Camaro.  This Camaro had very little in the way of exhaust.  We left Mr. Deets a present out front of his house in the form of two chewed-put holed in the asphalt.  Oh, the glorious roaring of the 383 as we acted out our revenge.

          Unfortunately, the cost of this revenge would be that the following day, the chrome billet wheels of the Camaro were 'mysteriously' missing.

          My wife and I, with some of our friends, were riding through the campsites at Tar Hollow last weekend in search of a good spot to set up camp.  Down one of the paths, where we wouldn't find any suitable spots anyway, some woman yelled out to us as we passed by to "Slow down!"

          Was I really speeding unaware?  Usually I'm extremely cautious in an area with lots of children about.  I looked down at my speedometer to see that I was actually going slower than the 10 mph posted speed limit.  I pointed the woman out to my wife, who wasn't so sure she yelled what she did.  I mean, why would she be telling us to slow down?  That would be absurd!

          After not finding any spots to camp down this particular path, we turned around at the makeshift cul-de-sac.  This time, I watched my speedometer closely to really make sure I was keeping my speed down for this Samaritan campsite patron.  Almost as if I ran over a trip wire attached to the woman's pie hole, she again exclaimed for us to "Slow down!"

          My instinctive reaction was to turn the vehicle slightly so that the back of my vehicle was facing her campsite, then spray gravel all over her RV and her face – but I refrained.  I simply stopped the vehicle and explained very plainly the actual situation.  I didn't want to be removed from the campsite, and the thought of my wheels getting stolen by some middle-aged windbag crossed my mind.

          "Ma'am, the speed limit is 10 and I'm going 10."

          She replied something inaudible as she arose from her chair and walked over to hide behind her RV.  Was going to get out and beat the snot out of her?  While that would have been pleasant for me, the thought never crossed my mind.

          "Thank you!  Have a nice day ma'am."

          My guess is this woman had the same perceptual disability as Mr. Deets had.

          While the exhaust on my 1995 Trans Am is stock, it still has a somewhat deep sound.  My friend Phil and his wife were following directly behind us in a 2000-ish Mustang GT.  Our friend Kalee (who practically went by unnoticed, I might add) was following us in her Hyundai Elantra.  Could it be that the mere fact that there was a Trans Am and Mustang in the convoy which made us appear to be going faster than we were?

          The following lesson is for anyone wishing to verbally enforce the speed limit in their (even temporary) neighborhood.  While it may be doing the community a service to keep speeders from endangering the lives of others, it's advised that you actually have some concept of how fast a vehicle is travelling.

          If the speed limit is 10 miles per hour, as it was in this campsite, then in only one second, a vehicle can travel no more than 14.7 feet.

          Imagine three people laying next to the road, in a line, arranged head-to-toe.  Picture they are laying in a direction so that the car will pass the head of the first person in the line.  In the same amount of time it takes you to say "One Mississippi", the car should only be at the knees of the third person.

          You may even want to mark the road with a couple sticks or pebbles.  Just make sure they are on the side of the road, and not in the road.  This will make your traffic enforcing a little more interesting.  Set one marker every 14.7 feet (or 14 feet, 8 inches).  If the speed limit is 30, for example, they should only be at the 4^th marker after counting one second.  If the speed limit is 10, it should take 3 seconds to reach the third marker.