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TOUR DIARY: Machine Go Boom Sep23-Oct02
As recorded by Mike U.
DAY 1 FRIDAY 23sep: Garfield Artworks, Pittsburgh PA
We get a late start, but now the van has new shocks and a rooftop luggage carrier and PlayStation 2. We're ready to go. How many musicians does it take to check the tire pressure? Three.
Bubba has to read "The Grapes of Wrath" for a class so Carrie and I bring copies too and we have BOOK CLUB. The first chapter is all about dust and hard luck.
We arrive at Garfield Artworks. It is a gallery in an unlit section of Pittsburgh that looks sorta like an unlit section of Lorain Ave. The stage sits at the very back of a long narrow gallery. The Constantines played here a week ago. Tonight it's MGB and those three people over there at that table eating take-out. A singer-songwriter opens the show. We play our songs. The place is nearly empty, so the local band Developer decides to not even set up their gear. Their drummer Jake leads us back to his apartment. It's a popular crash pad -- Guided By Voices stayed here a few times. There are many eBay-worthy rock posters. After I fall asleep Jake's roommate stumbles in blind drunk and yammers on about GG Allin into the wee hours of the morning.
The best is at the Gallery when Carrie says into the mic: "Is there another band playing next?"
DAY 2 SATURDAY 24sep: Calvin Hall, Audubon NJ
This doesn't look too promising. Audubon is a quiet town close to Philadelphia. Calvin Hall is a Presbyterian Meeting Hall: two carpeted rooms with fluorescent lights, couches, a few table lamps and a large framed portrait of Jesus that serves as a backdrop for the non-stage. But when we get back from a beer run there is a good crowd of kids (late teens, early 20's) hanging outside. There are 5 bands (some good, some not so good) and the kids dance around and buy CDs and tee-shirts. We leave with $180, which will cover two days gas and tonight's hotel room. It is satisfying to play to this dance-happy crowd.
There's a brief missing-keys episode that causes severe panic but i won't go into it. Suffice to say that it is easy to sabotage your own tour. HANG ONTO YOUR KEYS!
At the motel, this goateed dude who I'll call "Zod" is having a pointed conversation with the sluggish man behind the desk. I step up and ask about a room and Zod says under his breath that I shouldn't waste my money, we (the band) can take the two beds in his room for just $10. That doesn't sound like even sort of a good idea.
Zod says he's been living at this motel for a month. "My ex-wife is from Cleveland," he says. He and some of the other hotel regulars are wandering around the balcony looking for the next party so we just shut the door to our room and watch Saturday Night Live featuring Queens of the Stone Age (w/ Will Ferrell on cowbell). Arran guards the van.
DAY 3 SUNDAY 25sep: Sin-E, New York Damn City NY
In the morning, Carrie discovers a dried, used condom on the floor next to the bed. On the balcony this guy in a tank top chats up Mikey while we pack the van. "I used to be in a band, too" the guy says. "Yeah?" Mikey says, "What was the name of your band?" "Cinderella," he says.
We arrive in NYC in the early afternoon and I take a nap in the van while the others go for a walk in THE VILLAGE. Later they tell me about a fantastic drum & breakdance show in the park. Arran taped some of it on his videocamera. He tells me he stopped in a bar to use the restroom and there was this guy sitting in one of the stalls stroking himself while he watched the other men piss. (No video footage of that.) We grab some real NYC pizza and some real NYC potato knishes and I walk around. It's exciting here, the streets are crowded with people. I could live here for a spell.
The room at Sin-E is a good, acoustically. We don't recognize the names of the bands on the "upcoming shows" so we're guessing it's mostly local bands that headline here. One of the openers, The Instruments, are nowhere to be found, and there aren't too many people to see us play but enough familiar faces to make it O.K. An old schoolmate of mine, Chris, is playing bass with tonight's headliner, a talented singer-songwriter named Kevin Devine. There's no money tonight but we're happy to catch up with old friends. Our generous host for the evening is Liam, he's from Ohio and lives in Brooklyn. He takes us to a place called BarCade, where you can play "vintage" videogames and get loaded. It's easy to forget that you have to go outside to have a a cigaret. At another bar, we are accused of stealing someone's bicycle basket. There is shouting.
DAY 4 MONDAY 26sep: Velvet Lounge, Washington DC
We have some time to walk around Manhattan but soon it's looking like rain and we get on the road. Heading south out of NYC I am driving and there is no room to swerve to avoid this very long white box that is sitting in the middle of the highway. The van plows into the heavy box, it gets lodged underneath us and there is a loud grinding noise as drag it underneath and steer off to the shoulder of the road while the other cars whiz by. No visible damage to the van but the box must've knocked something loose because now it's very noisy (muffler-type "chugga chugga") and to amuse myself I'll refer to our Chevy van as the "ROUGH BEAST" for the rest of the trip.
It is raining in D.C. as well and we can't get into the Velvet Lounge for another hour. Strangely, one of the other bands is locked INSIDE the club where they have to stay until the owner comes back at 7. We walk around in the rain, grumpy and hungry. The local panhandlers circle our van as we unload.
The opening act Firedean is a satisfying cross between Jeff Buckley and Steve Martin. He strums an acoustic guitar to a drum-machine beat and sings a song about being in love with his sexy underage cousin. The Atlanta power trio Hot Young Priest (the ones locked inside the bar earlier) play a blistering set of propulsive slide-guitar blues rock. MGB's set is warmly received by the small crowd, which doesn't seem so small because the room is the size of a one-car garage. You'd really have to pack this place tight for the bands to see any money at all. Locals Greenland finish the show with some literate U.K.-flavored rock. We sell no CDs and there is no money. A downer of a day. (There's the Capitol Building there's the Washington Monument.)
Very special thanks to Nan and Chris Irick who let us stay at their beautiful house in Arlington, and to the young Iricks who make homemade cookies for us to take on the road to North Carolina. Also great thanks to Greenland for agreeing to play the show on such notice and for bringing a good number of their friends and fans to the Velvet Lounge on a rainy Monday night.
DAY 5 TUESDAY 27sep: Duke Coffeehouse, Durham NC
Our van, the "Rough Beast," is noisy but it runs OK. Arran doesn't like the way I drive and I don't like the way he drives. Also, there is some concern about how much life is left in the tires. All of this vehicle-related anxiety foreshadows our arrival in Durham, NC, when white smoke pours out of the front wheelwells and we are once again forced over to the side of the road. The brake calipers have overheated and seized up. Arran proves to be a master repairman, calmly removing the wheels, diagnosing the problem, and (after getting a lift from a helpful Carolinian to a nearby Auto Zone) replacing the brake calipers. We are amazed and impressed and Arran is THE HERO OF THE DAY.
We arrive at the Duke Coffeehouse and see more familiar faces: my friends Jimmy and Ian. Jimmy plays with the band Elf Power and he is responsible for booking most of the dates on this MGB tour. Ian and Jimmy are best friends from growing up in Syracuse and now they are the rap-and-film duo Fairmount Fair, coming all the way from Athens GA to open tonight's show with their jokey (and, in this echo-ey room, hard to hear) rhymes. A tuneful but unmemorable local band plays next and when they're finished all of their friends leave, too. We play, again, to an empty room. But the good news is that after three nights of shows MGB is sounding very good. Duke foots the bill for our dinner and we have a place to stay the night. Our gracious host is Brian Crews, who is program coordinator at Duke University. The evening pays well: $180 for MGB and Fairmount Fair to split, but Ian and Jimmy let us keep all of it because they are swell.
DAY 6 WEDNESDAY 28sep: Local 506, Chapel Hill NC
It's so very enjoyable to sleep in late and do laundry. We look for a place to get the muffler fixed and end up at a shopping mall eating Chick-Fil-A while the "Rough Beast" is in the shop. They won't have time to make the repair today, so we'll hafta live with the noise, which is getting LOUDER. We take a drive to see Ned Norland, who broadcasts a weekly internet radio show called No Love For Ned (www.noloveforned.com). He is house-sitting at an exotic bungalow in the woods. Ned sets up some microphones and records us doing acoustic versions of "Ms. Hepburn's House," "Cancer Boy," and a few others.
Over in Chapel Hill, Bubba and I split a muffaletta. Do you know what a muffaletta is? It is delicious.
Tonight we know disappointment once again, playing to a handful of people in a cavernous room with black walls. The people in the room are mostly musicians in the other bands Casting Company and (headliners) North Elementary. We get our drunk on and dance and holler while the superb North Elementary rock us silly. We yell at them and demand they play five more songs. Afterwards we drink at the bands' compound out in a woodsy section of Chapel Hill. There is much foolishness and revelry. Arran and I sleep under the stars in his tent but it isn't as romantic as it sounds. Carrie misplaces a Ziploc bag of some value and Bubba is THE HERO when he finds it on the ground in the morning.
DAY 7 THURSDAY 29sep: The Hummingbird, Macon GA
We wake up late and hungover and scramble into the "Rough Beast" to make our 7-hour drive to Macon GA. I drive.
We are on time and now we're getting the deluxxe rockstar treatment: DINNER AND A HOTEL ROOM, courtesy of the Hummingbird's owner, this cool guy named Vic Stanley. The bad news is that, after six nights of singing, Mikey's vocal cords are giving out. He sips hot tea and whiskey and does not speak.
But what a great show it is! (Finally!) The Hummingbird is a beautiful wood and brick tavern with a great sound system. There are some MGB fans in the crowd (courtesy of MySpace) and lots of people are dancing and singing. We play an encore. Headliners ELF POWER (with Jimmy playing lead guitar and toy xylophone) play an incredible set. (Go see them, especially if you like the Elephant 6 folk-psych and also danceable stuff a la Lilys.)
It is a magical evening. However, we will not get paid our $100 "guarantee." (After several nights of playing to empty rooms, this crowd actually seems BIG to us, but it's not big enough for Vic to pay both bands.) Free dinner and hotel room though.
Most of us go with Elf Power to an after-party, and we stay out way too late. That'll catch up with us tomorrow for sure.
DAY 8 FRIDAY 30sep: Caledonia Lounge, Athens GA
The others go to see Corpse Bride. In a thrift store in Athens the college radio show plays "Hopeless" by the Wrens and I make a note to give that record a listen when I get home. I walk around looking for a park or somewhere to take a nap in the grass but all I do is get more tired and very thirsty. I realize I have never been less interested in going into record stores and "looking around." I have fish tacos at Barberito's and I recommend them to you. Also, it is another beautiful sunny day, so I'm not complaining.
The heavyset bearded man who backs his van up next to ours in the club parking lot is Scott from NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. There's a moment of star-struck awe. Scott is very good natured and funny and he likes the green if you know what I mean. Tonight we're opening for his current band, The Gerbils. They draw a very good crowd here in Athens because they only play once or twice a year.
Our set is good but not as energetic due to our late night antics out in Macon. Still, we're not terrible or anything, so where the hell is everyone? Well, the Gerbils/Elephant 6 fans are out on the damn patio smoking cigarets while we're inside playing to the bare walls. (This smoking ban is hard on the unknown touring band.)
The Gerbils are charming and sloppy and their music rouses the crowd in some stoned anthemic manner, but I am unimpressed sitting in the dark at the merch table, tired, hating these people who didn't come inside to see us play. Hey, did we get paid for this one? I don't remember. We are tired and homesick.
DAY 9 SATURDAY 01oct: The Earl, Atlanta GA
Jimmy rides with us in the "Rough Beast" to Atlanta, where he gets on a plane to Syracuse to see his folks. From the airport it's a short ride to The Earl. There is a bar/restaurant in the front and down a long hallway through a door is a room about the size of the Grog Shop (and like the Grog painted red and black). The soundman, his name is MEGA, is friendly and he does a great job. Mikey's brother Zach and Zach's wife Hollie live in Chattanooga and they're here to see the show. We really sound good and there is a decent-sized audience. They really dig it. I screw up going into the first chorus of "Captain Obvious." We pull through, but later I'm thinking it'd be a good idea sometimes to just STOP PLAYING a song if it goes bad and then play it later in the set. Especially when that song is "Captain Obvious."
Another serious regret is not asking for the middle slot on the bill. After we played our set a big crowd of people came in from the bar and filled the room. DAMMIT TO HELL! Listen, when you're on tour and you're not the headliner, ALWAYS PUSH FOR THE NEXT-TO-LAST-SLOT. Or you'll be wasting your time.
But anyway, the Earl is a great place to play and they buy us dinner, too. We get our $100 guarantee and everyone there is friendly and competent. Hollie insists that we play in Chattanooga sometime, but I think that city has a 6pm curfew or something, so we probably won't.
We get on the road and head north to get a head start on tomorrow's trip to Nashville. Exhausted, we take a room at a motel an hour outside of Atlanta.
DAY 10 SUNDAY 02oct: Hair of the Dog, Nashville TN
Today's motto: "Don't even bother."
The standard 11 a.m. checkout time has been a nuisance the whole tour. (Can't they have rock-band check-out at like 3pm?) Tensions are high after nine days trapped in the belly of the "Rough Beast." There are no breakfast places open on a Sunday in this part of the South. And then we get to Nashville and it isn't much to look at. The club is named "Hair of the Dog." It's a nondescript metal building up on a hill in what the newspapers call "a hip neighborhood," but it looks like Brookpark Road to me. We take a drive into town and sit bored in a park near Vanderbilt University. Then we head over to the club . . .
Hey wait a minute. What if we just stay on the highway? Let's NOT unload our instruments into this depressing bar (NO BEER LICENSE?!?) and let's not play to yet another empty room and then we won't have to drive all through the night to get home to Cleveland and then we can have ATLANTA be our FINAL SHOW (and a semi-triumphant one at that) and so the last thing we'll remember about this trip is our success at The Earl!
That would be better, wouldn't it?
Sadly, this idea doesn't occur to us. We wait to play our final show of the tour. I walk across empty parking lots to a minimart and we drink beer in the van. There's a Christian rock band on the bill but they don't show up to play. We play to the virtually empty room. There is no money. We pay for our food. The bar is sticky.
It's midnight and we have a nine-hour drive. I have to work in the morning. At the gas station an older homeless-looking person limps up as we wait in line for our Gatorade, cigarettes, coffee, and snacks. He holds a fistful of U.S. one-dollar coins and he asks if we have any dollar bills to exchange for them. Mikey is looking through his pockets for singles. I ask the guy why he can't just use the dollar coins, why does he need to have dollar bills, but at this point I am so tired and wired that I don't know if that's even a valid question. We are on our way back to Cleveland.
I think we broke even, or at least we didn't lose too much. How will bands make these ridiculous trips with gas prices going so high? Will musicians start lobbying for oil-drilling in Alaska?
Carrie is the only member of BOOK CLUB to come close to finishing "Grapes of Wrath." I just read what I wrote and a lot of it sounds grim, but I left out all the laughing we did. Also, THANK YOU JIMMY. And everyone who let us crash.
If you're interested, our setlist for most of the tour looked like this:
P.A.
DEMONS
KAZOO
LAST DAYS
BUDDY
BUILDING
LIL DEVIL
COSTUME
NEW DANCE
MUMMY
COPYCAT
CAPTAIN
PRICKS
POTATO
Okay now you do it.
1:47 AM
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