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Current mood:  depressed
well, it has been over a year since the last blog i wrote. not much has changed. still incapable of having a relationship. but even better, i found out that andy left me to be with someone else. he got engaged to her and got her pregnant and now doesn't want her. he felt the need to tell me this then push me away yet again to say that his life is messed up (no shit, 2 kids from different women, indeed it is not right) and i've still not heard back from him. and the only one that does make me happy doesn't want a relationship. the last guy that i slept with made me vomit. maybe it would be worth it to no longer talk to anyone. i'm to the point now that i dont know what to do. i can't shut everyone out because i just finished school and have to get a full time job and am probably going to be getting an apartment with michael but then i'm at his house almost daily so it wont make that much of a difference but still its going to be difficult because now at the end of the night i can go home for my alone time, when we are living together i wont be able to, i'd just be able to close myself off in my room. i dont know, it might not be a problem since it wasn't much of one when i was living with aaron but that only lasted a month and i was intoxicated through most of it.. i dont remember anything. i dunno, i suppose i just needed to type all of this out instead of keeping it all in like i usually do. i suppose that that will be one of the pluses of moving in with him, we will be able to get the net and i can type more to get all of this out. but back to what i was talking about, i think it was from being at school with all the girls there that are married and have kids, thats what i want and am not able to have because of my inability to keep anyone around. i dont see myself ever getting married or having kids because everyone leaves me after a couple weeks, if that long. maybe there is something wrong with me and i just dont know it. i mean, i know i'm bipolar.. thats old news. but i dont know whats going on with me because of my last 2 experiences, i think i might be completely les and i dont want that because of me wanting to get married, if i am gay then i can't have that.. damn i hate bush. and because of my age i can't adopt for several years. so i can't have any of it and its what i want most. i do plan to leave the country in 4 years i've just not made up my mind on where yet... either canada or england.
7:54 AM
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