When I was in San Diego in July for the massiveness that was Comic-Con (the world's biggest pop culture event, with 125 000 fans) I was blessed enough to get an article published in the Souvenir Book they produce every year. Because of space, they only mentioned a few of my witty one-liners, but below is the complete article. Please laugh.

Comic books are now at the age where adult diapers become necessary. If they were people they could complain about "this generation" and their skimpy clothes, obscene music and new fangled gadgets while picking hair out of their ears and lifting their pants up past their navels. But comics are still cool. Old, yes, but still cool. Our beloved artform is ageing gracefully, like a French film star. What was once considered a trash medium and disposable entertainment is now mature, respected and sought after. From factory pop to live jazz, and it only took the better part of a century. Of course in the eyes of fans sequential art has always been close to our heart, but our cries for respect have only recently been heard. Not that we needed them of course. Comics may not be as popular as film or TV but they are certainly more surprising, experimental and creative. Free from constraining decisions-by-committee and intimidating budgets, comics are able to risk more than any other medium. In what other form can you create and destroy entire worlds so easily?

But for me, the best part of comics is the growing fan base. Like a supermodel at a party who has the satisfaction of knowing she's the best looking person there, I find quiet pride knowing that I am the geekiest person in any room. A smile at fellow customers at the LCS, or a nod at that guy you just saw with the Aquaman shirt. I like those moments of simple connectivity. We're just one step away from a secret handshake. We could go one step further and wear hoods and sacrifice virgins, but then there would be none of us left.

But the very thing that feeds us can also be our death. We can't afford to roll our eyes when one of our unwise friends makes yet another "underwear on the outside" joke but not show them what comics are all about. Take every opportunity you can. No-one wakes up in the morning and decides, "From now on I will litter my room with imported action figures and dedicate 40% of my wage to TPBs!" It takes someone to show us the ropes. Be that someone. Walking into a comics shop can be a daunting experience. "Where do I start?" "Is this suitable for my children?" "Why is that guy wearing a bathrobe?" There are so many questions.

However, after saying all that, I must say I love a good insider joke. If you've just joined the fanboy/girl fraternity, most of the following will make no sense, but if you're a funny book veteran, please feel free to laugh out loud (and explain why to the confused person next to you) So, here are just some of my suggestions for insider slogans that will get you knowing smiles from your fellow fans. Feel free to make these into bumper stickers, t-shirts or regrettable tattoos.

If you're a geek, then these are from my heart to yours.


I collect comic books, action figures and women's phone numbers.
All three are fictional.

All my pets are Super.

I gave myself a hernia trying to lift Mjolnir.

Lost. 1 Invisible Jet.

Thwip, snikt and bamf are my three favourite sounds.

I stole this shirt from the future.

I make love like The Flash.
At least you'll have more time for regret.

My comics and my bed sheets are both wrapped in plastic.

The internet – where every voice can be heard and mocked in equal measure.

No, it's not a speech impediment.
I speak backwards for magical reasons.

I jumped into toxic waste for super powers.
Now I'm sterile and balding.

I hang out on rooftops with girls in leather.
Don't judge me.

My utility belt is on its last notch.

It wasn't me. It was my clone.

I'm a shape shifter, but my pants don't agree with my shape.

I'm a D-List character in an A-List world.

Please give generously-victim of unpopular retcon.

I would be Mint except for the stain. Guess where!

My mask is not to conceal my identity.
It is because I am repugnant and frighten children.

I have my own theme song. Can't you hear it?

I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
Now I eat through a tube.

I have issues.
But I'm running out of boxes.

I'm a walking stereotype.

Yes, I'm a girl who reads comics. No, I won't be your wife.

Full-time fanboy. Part-time model.

I'm the Ultimate version.

I have super hearing. What are you saying about me?

Will explain multiverse for food.

In an alternate universe I am witty, rugged and urbane.
Unfortunately the fans voted for me.

I wait for the Trade. Don't hate me.

There are 51 other versions of this shirt.

I just discovered my origin.
I'm adopted.

I'm the Skrull version of Brad Pitt.

I chose my dying aunt over my supermodel wife.
Please slap me.

T.G.I.W.
Thank God It's Wednesday