I step up to the plate in less than two weeks. I say step up to the plate because I'm beginning to get the same nervous nauseous feeling I got as a kid walking up to the plate to swing a bat or kick the kickball. As I got older the feeling became more sickening and horrible.

I've been complaining about apathy for so long now, years it seems. This feeling is one I haven't felt in a long time. I'm nervous about my life... and I can feel it. My feelings are actually reacting to a change in my everyday life. For the longest time nothing phased me. Graduating left me feeling empty as I walked up to receive proof of 12 years of mental torture and looked out into a sea of faces I realized too late that I would miss. And afterwards I went to hug my parents and a boy who didn't seem to accept me for who I was at the time. I ran out into the rain and the one person who I felt should have been there and wished was, was thousands of miles and drinks away from me. The person I had come to call my older brother, a figure I had wished for most of my life, was in a different state. And although I hold no hard feelings towards anyone, it just hurt. It was nothing more than a reminder of all those I love and how so many of them are not with me today, whether that means because of distance, whether physical, mental or permanent.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this... maybe as a way to get out everything thats been building inside of me, weighing me down... making me sink in this ocean around me.



I'm really scared about this next semester. Starting a job and going to school full time seems like a lot. I dont think it would be so much if I didn't have this giant lump of unhappiness inside. I take that back, maybe no unhappiness, just this dull content feeling. It's a settled feeling. It's the feeling you get when things could be worse so you settle with how things are. For the longest time I've been told I would go really far in life, that there was so much more out there, but I don't think those people had the same ideas as I or expectations. People have also been telling me to get away from here. My father has told me countless times to get out of this town, that I need to get away. Nile and I talked a few years back and he told me to get away, to not get stuck, that theres so much more out there, and at the time thats all I craved, to get away to leave this place. His words made me optimistic about the rest of the world, that I'd escape. One of the last things Eren told me before we went on a no talking spree, was that he felt like I'd be the person to get away from this place, that I'd escape this sick routine of life people around here seem stuck in. But yet here I am. Still sitting around doing nothing, and slowly alienating myself from everything.

Theres so much I want from life and I'm scared. I'm fucking scared. I'm scared because no matter how much I work towards it, I don't know if the way I'm heading is the right way.

I'm going into my second year at Uhart. I've declared my major and proven that I can do the work, and that I can acheive better than I thought I could. But is art what I want to do with the rest of my life? Is this whole digging a hole full of debt worth this path? At one time drawing was the only thing that freed my mind from all the bullshit I thought about. It gave me an identity, a stereotype, a reason to be. Cristina knows what I mean. You get labeled as an artist and you're stuck as an artist in others eyes.

At one time I thought all I wanted to do was draw and go against everything around me. I didn't give a fuck about society and all that bullshit.  It's funny looking at what I've become since then. I used to think that marriage was stupid, that having kids was a death trap, that being an average middle class soccer mom was the scariest thing ever. Somewhere along the road I decided that having a family was an awesome idea and that I wanted that early in life. With this plan (hope) I also decided that I wanted to be a tattoo artist someday, that I wanted to be true to myself and not give in and conform... but realized that to do all of this I have to meet everything kinda halfway. I can't always be completely myself (jobs that kinda thing) and I can't go be irresponsible and all that kinda stuff. I also realized that money, the most evil thing ever, has become something that I realize I'm going to need. That my college education, thoughits for becoming something and opening up choices for my future, is also to make sure I have money. I guess money kinda equals options... which pisses me off but anyways... So heres where I'm stuck, art. Art does not equal money. It can, but chances are it won't. So here I am going to an art school and getting myself into thousands and thousands of dollars of debt... so I can have the money to support a family and live life the way I want to. Does anyone else see a flaw in this? But I feel stuck. Art is all I know. It's what my identity has become. Its the only thing that allows me to be me. But I'm scared it wont be enough. I also feel like I have been given a chance that so many would have wanted. There were thousands of applicants whose portfolios passed. Yet one of the best art schools in New England picked me and gave me a scholarship as well. So walking away from this oppurtunity is harder than it would have been if I wasnt in such a good or lucky position right now. I feel like social studies or languages would be more beneficial with financial crap but its nothing I'm familiar with. I want to be as ready for whatever comes up in life. I have crazy crazy dreams and hopes and because they are so crazy and based on hope, Im going to need to work harder and faster than I have been.

I'm also scared of losing people along the way. I think one reason I think so differently about family now is because within the past two years I've realized how much smaller and distant my family has become. Its slowly been scaring me. I'm thinking this is my scared phase of life lol. I don't have brothers or sisters or even cousins I'm close to. I miss the whole connection with family and I still have family, in 30 40 years I could easily not have any. Anything can happen. Nothing is guarenteed except that nothing is. I hate walking in and seeing my dad so tired. I hate seeing my mom so secluded. I hate feeling like my father has worked his whole life for me and I have barely gotten to know him. I hate knowing that anything could happen at any time and I wouldnt have ever known the people I wish I had the way I wish I could have. I don't get to see friends as much when I'm in school. I know I can't because I get distracted but I don't ever want to feel the way I felt first semester. I was really considering going to see someone on campus because I still can't tell you what was keeping me sane. I want some kind of social life. I always have. And school makes that difficult. It goes with that saying that there are never enough hours in the day. I'm nervous especially now because of the time away from Mike. You know how in movies or whatever everything always works out like... first kisses and songs and blah blah blah I dont know how to explain that, but like, with him everything has felt perfect. Even in the hardest of times he's made it so I can get through everything. From the days when him and I messaged online he's slowly made me want to have a better perspective on things. and I've been feeling more in the moment. I feel like I'm actually living where as a lot of my past felt like it was in the past... if that makes sense. Even after staying up all night and going to class in the morning I felt more awake after seeing him than if I had slept all night. I'm scared of losing him. I really am. I don't want him to feel like I dont have the time for him, or for him to get upset about how much time I put into school. Hes understanding, but I know how much that hurts when you feel pushed aside because of other responsibilities and I don't want to do that to him. I hate the thought of making him sad or worried or anything. I also know I'll worry like no tomorrow.



I'm scared.
I'm excited to get back into stuff, but I'm scared of losing or growing apart from people. I"m scared that in the end all of this won't have been worth it. I have dreams that could or could not happen. I want to be prepared. I'm scared I won't be.

That sums up everything.


in other news, i have 14 bruises.

oh and im gonna rip my brain out and slice it into pieces. am i loud and clear?