Not a lot of people know this, but Birmingham City manager Steve Bruce is also a published novelist. Back in the days when he was the boss at Huddersfield Town, he published three books, engrossing works of fiction entitled 'Sweeper', 'Striker' and 'Defender', which follow the career of a familiar-sounding Steve Barnes, a former defender with Mulcaster United who has gone on to manage lowly Leddersford Town. In one of the books, he guides his team to dizzying successes while trying to disprove accusations that he murdered one of his strikers. The recent history of Sunderland AFC could act as valuable source material for another Steve Barnes novel.
In a nutshell, the plot would go like this; a goal-scoring hero falls in love with the last club he plays for before retirement. Once he leaves, the club sink into a quagmire of perpetual failure until they are on the brink of ruin. The player puts together a consortium of businessmen and saves the club, promising to make it great again and take the supporters on a 'magic carpet ride'. Unfortunately, the player (now chairman) can't find anyone who'll actually manage the club so he does it himself for a while, with disastrous consequences. Further on-the-field decline looks imminent.
There's more. The chairman identifies the man he wants to manage the team for him, a former playing colleague. Only problem is, the ex-player in question has no managerial experience whatsoever and is a notorious hot-head and former booze hound. He and the chairman haven't spoken to each other in four years since they fell out during the world's biggest tournament. Tentatively, their relationship is healed and the hot-head agrees to take over the management of the team.
Once the hot-head is installed in the hot-seat, he brings in half a dozen new players in the space of 48 hours, discarding most of those signed by the chairman in the preceding few weeks, as he doesn't feel they're good enough. One of the new players is a playboy millionaire with an estranged child stemming from a previous relationship with a top tabloid-hogging glamour model. The playboy couldn't be more unlike the dour manager but somehow it works. Under the new manager, the team start well but then struggle to find any kind of form and fans grow impatient. Some of the players are revealed to be amateur wannabe porn stars and are quickly transferred out of the club.
Still frustrated by the quality of his squad, the manager buys yet more players, some of whom are friends of the playboy millionaire. He then pulls a masterstroke by converting one of his underachieving defenders from a full back to a centre half. Previously, the player in question was something of a figure of fun, enthusiastic but severely limited and prone to on-field mistakes. But in his new position he is transformed overnight and becomes the heartbeat of the side, who by now, haven't lost a game in weeks.
Their amazing run of form continues. After winning a match located so far away that fans have to make a plane journey just to get to it, there is a fracas on their return flight as it is preparing to take off. The chairman is also on the plane and is appalled by the attitude of the airline staff. Unwilling to see the fans of his club stranded, he pulls out his credit card and pays for everyone to get home in a fleet of taxis, a journey of over 300 miles and at personal cost to himself of £8,000.
The team are still winning matches left, right and centre. One of the new players, a friend of the playboy millionaire turns out to have the hardest shot in the world – perhaps he has enchanted boots? The team slowly climb up the league and are in serious contention to win promotion at the end of the season. Just when it looks as though there will be a happy ending, they travel to the smallest, shabbiest ground in the league – a world away from their own palatial home, and… are finally beaten! Their chances of winning promotion are now hanging in the balance. They return to their home ground and in front of a full house, win their next match 3-2. The winning goal is scored by the winger with the magic boots – the shot almost bursts the net but doesn't, saving the lives of scores of terrified but jubilant fans.
Promotion is finally confirmed two days later, but the team still have the chance to go on and win the league outright. To do so, they must win and hope that their deadliest rivals either draw or lose. The hot-headed manager has prepared his boys well and they win 5-0. Meanwhile, their rivals lose 1-0 with only five minutes of the season remaining, completing the rags to riches story of the club who were on their knees just eight months before. Oh, and the name of the manager of the club who threw away the league title right at the end? It's only the former Mulcaster United legend and ex-Leddersford Town boss Steve Barnes. It's a funny old game football, isn't it?