The onset of dementia is a critical progression of cognitive challenges that are frustrating and debilitating. Dementia and Alzheimer's Disease has been prevalent in my family. Perhaps our genetic makeup is such that we are sharing a systemic and ravaging illness that will eventually take each one of us (our family) beyond a point of reckoning, beyond sensible awareness, beyond the capability to understand what it is that is tearing us down.

--

Here, I write this piece in the first person, one who has been afflicted by dementia, in an attempt to help others understand what dementia does to a person as it runs its course. I pray that I will never know what so many of my family have come to know of this illness...yet I fear that someday I too will succumb.

----------------------------------------------

So damn restless, this constant shifting

Tossing and turning, sleep evading

Insidious tension engulfs me

The voices beside me confusing

Time dragging endless as the dark night

Yet the clock tells differing stories

Numbers, they will change but are constant

The second hand sweeping eternally

Goddamn, I can't bare this long silence

So tired…just sleep…so damn tired

With jarring consternation I rise

Half blinded by brilliance of morn’s light

Shut the blinds, shut the blinds…hurry up

Was that the phone? Hello, who’s calling?

No-one’s there, someone’s playing their games

Did it ring, damn it, I know it rang

--

My eyes so heavy, just want to sleep

The bathtub begs my linger to soak

Bubbles and steam, soap in tiny swirls

Stinging, I ease down, is it too deep?

Drops from the spout leave concentric rings

Growing wider, ever wider save

Those breaking upon my skin as waves

With silent crash as a surging sea

Laying back sudsy water by chin

Soothing aching muscles in spasm

The shower head looms, a silent snake

Coiled in readiness…just a shower

Now rising, water cascades to floor

Where’s my towel, oh God, my towel

Why am I crying, what’s the matter

Sobbing, I can’t even remember

--

Call the kids, hurry, what’s the number

Can’t even find the goddamn phone book

Tears falling from bloodshot eyes so red

Miserable wretch, what’s wrong with me

I’m worried, so worried, get my pills

Need water, can’t swallow them…so dry

Now to eat, what ever should I eat

Toast, I can do this, in the toaster

Seemingly seconds pass, then the smoke

That wailing alarm, make the thing stop

Sit down and calm yourself, easy now

Chewing, each grinding sound aggravates

Hunger now passing, maybe I’ll read

Where’s my book, I see it on the floor

I don’t remember this chapter, no

The bookmark is here but unfamiliar

--

This sickening confusion must stop

What in hell has gotten over me?

My pills, did I take my morning pills?

So simple, I just can’t remember

As I stare out the window searching

Who are these people, do they live here?

And of my lost baby, died long ago

Are you safe, can you hear me sweetheart?

Where have you gone, you were just right here

Your soft gentle whispers bring on tears

That flow as the river in spring thaw

Your precious face in reflection there

I can still feel you set upon my knee

Little baby, you left me so soon

Perhaps I should leave this place and time

To be at your side for eternity

--

And my bride for all those many years

So delicate and fair was your skin

Your smile, oh God, so beautiful

Where are you now my precious dear?

I need of you now to take my hand

To walk, to run, and just one more dance

To sit by your side, to hear that voice

That so long ago made things so right

Try as I might the tears will still fall

As I fight to keep your memory

Close to my heart long as I can

So lonely I sit day after day

Your pillow still rests beside my own

Where it will for always, I promise

My gaze diverted past window sill

Where the children play, always laughing

--

Now the tears they will fall once again

Lamenting what I was…but can’t be

Copyright 2009 Don MacIver;  All Rights Reserved