My wife and I spent the weekend with her mother. The scene was the wonderful seaside home she resides in with her son and his wife. The coastal splendour there is much like our own, just more remote and right on the ocean. A pleasant three-hour drive and a ninety minute ferry ride across the straight, this is a place of family, a step away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, the stresses, the anxieties, the frustrations.
We visit Andrea's mom, and brother and his wife, as often as time and resources permit. This trip was strictly time well spent with mom-in-law, a person by the way whose sole purpose in life seems to be to ensure the happiness of her family and friends. She is getting on in years and has suffered a heart ailment that technically had her flat-lining on a ferry of all places. By the graces of higher powers there just happened to be an ambulance aboard and the paramedics were able to revive her before it was too late.
Fast forward a year and she has had surgery on her leg for removal of growths. She has battled cancer in past and we pray this is not a recurring nightmare. When we're together I watch and listen with fascination how she and my wife converse, how they visit each other's lives with a true and unfettered perspective, how they love each other simply for who they are and what they mean to each other.
Now there is a reality check for me. I had a wonderful relationship with my own mother, who, rest her beloved soul, was the single most important person in my life. There was nothing she would not do for her children, her husband, her family. Somehow I always felt like I came up short for her...and the rest of my family.
We build up great expectations of what we think each other should be. We demand that they conform to our perception of what they should say and feel and do. But in the end it all comes down to emotions that play out as each day, each hour, each moment unfolds. We are bothered by the simplest of things, perhaps feeling it all to be ok because, after all, we are family. And then those most important to you die and all that is left is guilt and self-confessional examinations that end up in the waste basket along with teared-up tissue soiled with regrets and confusion.
Anyway, I digress. And so it was that I spent the weekend with a woman who came into my life by marriage, mother of my wife and life partner, one who many jokingly suggest I should avoid with all caution (generalizations about mothers-in-law that is) yet a kindly person who never ceases to amaze me. As with my own mother previously I find myself feeling like I have not measured up, not done enough, not said enough for this person to truly know and understand what I am all about and what I feel for her.
I ran a shopping errand the second day of our visit to pick up a set of jumper cables to keep in the car for an eventuality, especially with winter coming on. Dad's car back home sits idle as he recently lost his driver's license and a boost for his dead battery will be the first task to be performed by this shining new set of cables.
While out on this shopping excursion I had a notion...high time I bought mom-in-law some flowers. I stopped in at a florist to browse. As the store own reflected there had been a rash of customer purchases during the week, several for large funerals, and there was therefore not much left on the shelves. She apologized for the depleted stock and assured me she would do whatever she could to make my purchase worthwhile. I acknowledged with appreciation and continued to browse.
My initial intent was to choose a nice display of flowers, something seasonal yet with a touch of the different that would say "I actually put some real earnest thought into this gift". A table of assorted items of interest strategically placed very near the storefront caught my eye right away. There were numerous items that immediately attracted my attention yet something was missing so I kept on browsing.
Round the store I ambled, pausing briefly as I progressed through the store, carefully weighing the merits of each item on display. This florist was rich with unique items that went well beyond just flowers and pretty gift wraps, ribbons and bows. I felt a renewed sense of mission the further I delved into the shop's wares, the store proprietor staying discreetly and politely distant enough as not to be bothersome nor too aggressive on the sale. Her probing questions drawing out hints of my quest, she pointed out some wonderfully imaginative and skilfully crafted pieces that she thought suited my "impromptu" visit and the recipient of my affections on this cool, damp day.
Still I browsed further. Flowers are beautiful and always well-received yet they wither in a matter of days. I wanted something of permanence that could be kept for years to come, that would always remind her of me, of my thoughts on this day. And there it was...perched on a shelf just below eye level, a soft knitted teddy bear in a light tan colour with patchwork quilting on its paws and outstretched arms. Ok, now I'm onto something here. You know you're on the right track when you get that warm and fuzzy feeling, that quiet excitement that says "yes, she will love this and cherish it always"...or will she?
This cute little fuzzy bear was nestled in a round woven basket that had a near-matching quilt work about its inner lining. Mom could either keep the teddy in the basket or separate the two and place items of keepsake within the basket and prop the teddy bear in a special place of choosing. Along came the store owner, her curiosity peaked now that I have paused longer than a few seconds to peruse an item on display. "Have you found something you like?" she asked with kindly enthusiasm. I pointed out the teddy and its resting place in the basket. I looked up to check out her reaction just in time to see a beaming smile. "Well I think your mother-in-law will be ecstatic when she sees this, especially if it is totally unexpected" she said smiling from ear to ear. My work was done here.
So off to the counter we went. While she rang up the bill I asked her to add a nice bright frilly ribbon to tie around teddy's neck. I filled out a small note card that said "Jacqui, just because" and the excited shop owner pinned the note to teddy's ribbon.
I arrived back at the house twenty minutes later to find my wife and her unsuspecting mom seated in front of the widescreen television set watching one of their favourite shows. My wife eyes the basket and its content anxiously, no doubt anticipating I had been out shopping for her. A faint smile crossed her lips as I lowered the gift into her mom's lap to Jacqui's astonishment. Tears welled up in her eyes as she asked bewildered what it was for. I replied "the little card attached to teddy explains why". She read aloud "just because" and thanked me as though I had delivered something so precious that words just wouldn't come. She hurriedly decided on a place to display her newly acquired treasure...high upon a shelf in the livingroom where she could see it as often as desired from the comfort of her favourite chair.
...and so it was. I really didn't know what to expect in reaction to this small gift. It was just meant to convey what I felt in a way that I felt most comfortable. The teddy and basket did not cost a whole lot, were not over-sized nor over-stated yet the meaning they held for her was obvious. I suggested teddy could be her guardian bear that could watch over her in our absence.
Earlier in the afternoon while out shopping I thought I might stop in at the wine store for a bottle or two but something told me to go to the florist and bring home something special instead. This visit was all about Jacqui and for some reason I felt compelled to make the visit mean a little more than just another family visit.
And for all that...I'm so glad I changed direction and headed for the florist. Some things in life are just more important.