I am thinking about him again, my dad. I am remembering the few years we had together. I am remembering the mistakes I made. I am reliving the words that were said both good and bad. It's hard. There seem to be so many more bad things in my head than good. Why is that? Why do we remember the worst? Remember when we would go to the flea market every weekend and then to eat? Remember when we used to cruise  around in your car listening to billy jean and thriller? Remember when you told me you only loved me because you had to?
You were right. I wasn't a good kid. I wasn't something to be proud of at that time in my life. Not something to show off to your friends. But I was young and scared and confused. I didn't know who I was and I sure as hell didn't know you. How could I? You got custody and I left with you that day. I didn't remember you. I thought you were dead. No one ever talked about you. Why would they? You weren't there and it just confused me more. I was on the verge of something. On the verge of life. And then everything changed. Yeah. I wasn't a good kid. But I was a kid. I stole, and lied. I got involved in the wrong crowd. Tried a few things I shouldn't have. But I was a kid. I just wanted love and acceptance. Why could you never accept me? Why did everything about me need to change all the time. Why was I never good enough? I tried. Honest I tried. Still nothing was right.
I'm sorry.
You didn't know about being a parent. You never had to raise a child. You got me in the worst years. I was emotionally messed up. Years of crazyness had effected me by then. You got me on the verge. I was growing up. Almost a teenager but not quite. What do you do with a kid that age? What do you do with a kid who is already broken? I was broken. And you couldn't fix me. No one could. And I wasn't ready to fix myself.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the pain you caused me and I hope that even now you could forgive me. I'm sorry I didn't get to say all this before you died. I am sorry for everything. Neither of us was innocent in the whole thing. Neither of us was without fault. I am sorry for my wrongs. I hope you were happy. Before you died I mean. I hope your new wife and you were happy. I hope her daughters were better children for you than I was. I hope the children they had brought a smile to your face. I hope you know I never hated you and that I thought about you from time to time. I hope you are in a better place. I still love you dad. I miss you.