am i strange for never wanting to settle for something just to conform to the "schedule" everybody my age seems to think they have to follow?
not to discount anyone.. it's just a general observation.

i want a love where i crack a smile at the thought or sight of him.
i want to laugh so hard it hurts, and i want him to laugh at the silly things i do and say.
i want to sit in silence and not feel awkward.
i want to look at him, and see his beautiful heart, not physical imperfections.
and i want the same from him.
i want to cook and do laundry and paint rooms and all that nonsense. <(i know i don't do most of that now.. but.. i live with my parents and it's just not the same)
i don't want to have to worry about whether or not he loves me.
i don't want the fights to outnumber the conversations.

siiiiiiigh... to write a list of all the things i'm looking for would be silly because it'd be short on paper, but long in my mind. it's a package deal for me.. often overlooking bad when there's so much good, and vice versa.
i just don't want to get old and wonder why i never made it down that path, if that's the way my life unfolds.
i'm young, but i feel like i'm missing the boat.
i wanna make my mom a mother-in-law and grandma.
i wanna make my brother and sister a brother/sister-in-law/uncle/aunt.
i want to make 'him' a husband, myself a wife.
i want to have a baby. maybe babies if i handle one of 'em well.



in the back of my head i wonder whether God is holding out on me, or saving me from it all.
maybe it's all a buildup to the moment i fall in love. (and stay...)
or maybe it's not in my cards and He has a bigger plan for me.
as of right now, i don't see how the latter could be true because i don't even know where my life is heading at the moment.

i just know that i'm kinda bothered/upset at so many things... but if someone were to ask me what was wrong, i don't think i could answer.
my brain bounces between different ideas of what my life should be.. how i feel about the way it's all going.. most of the time i'm content, others i'm jealous and impatient. 
i want to fix my friends' lives. how? i crack a few jokes and try to temporarily relieve some tension/sadness. it's all i know. it's how i deal with my problems. two very important people in my life are going through two very different things in their lives and, having no experience with either... i just don't know what else to do.

life is just.. confusing.
and the only cure is experience and strength.

and no, this isn't all about loneliness and/or love. 95% of the time... i'm more than happy to be single. saves a lot of tears, i suppose. i just hate being so freakin sensible. i've ALWAYS been the one kid that learned from everyone else's mistakes, but never made many of my own. too cautious. scared of life.

this is about life in general.. and its tendency to keep everything under the rug until one thing happens and it all comes flowing out.
i can't stop my brain.
and it's driving me insane.

lolz i rhymed.
goodnight. maybe.