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Current mood:  blank
I dont even know where to begin...When I first came back from Rockford,I was torn.On the one hand I was thrilled to be back together with Brad,very much in love,with the promise of a more loving,committed future for us. But on the other hand, i had to give up a job i liked,my own independence,return to a city that i have always hated,and lose touch with several new friends that i liked alot.At first things were great,brad and I looked at apartments and our relationship was better then ever. And then it happened.He asked about the past and I fully confessed to him,all my misdeeds and bad choices. While disappointed,he forgave me.OR so i thought. While our relationship changed a bit with these revalations,,it was still stong,just a little less affectionate.Some weeks later he decides to tell me that he has Not in fact forgiven me. This completely tore me apart. He could have torn my heart out with a corkscrew and i think it would have hurt less. I was a complete wreck. How could he have not forgiven me,yet he led me to believe this,and still slept with me....taking so sweet tiem to let me in on this situation. Now,i didn't expext him to just simply forgive and forget-noone truly in love could,but I suppose I expected that if he loved me as much as he always said he did,that at least in some way he would have forgiven me. But ,as I said,I am in love with him. So I stopped talking about marriage,and backed off,to give him space and time to think about things. A few weeks go by and i wonder if anything has been decided. Nothing yet. this situation repeats itsself several times. After a few months I begin to feel like A. he wants to end it because he can't forgive me but he does not want to hurt my feelings( he does still care about me) or B he is leading me on,sleeping with me,and hanging out,but keeping me at arms length until he finds someone else or the time feels right to move on. I have told him both these theories but while he insists neither is the case, he has said its more like "the blind leading the blind,since he says he does not know what will happen with him forgiving me,when it will happen or if it will ever happen. It is now seven months since I moved back here for Him. I love him with all of my heart.I can't imagine my life without him in it . But I am beginning to feel burned out on this whole thing. How long should i have to wait for forgiveness? I feel like i am going to be strung along for a long time and that pisses me off. I dont want it to end,but i dont want to spend my life waiting for a man to forgive me. I'm starting to think i do not even want forgiveness,because how complete can forgiveness ever really be? I want all of this to end. NOT our relationship,but all the drama and uncertainty,fighting and questions of love and the future. Contrary to popular belief I AM NOT only interested in being a married woman & mother. I that was all i wanted, I would be marrried and/or have kids already, it is not that difficult to find a man willing to get married right now. But I choose to wait for those things untill I have someone who loves me as much as I love them and I am certain it is the real thing,as I do not belive in divorcing over stupid shit. I hate that he alone has the power to say if things will end,when they will end and how bad it will be. i feel like its not even Us anymore,its all about him,how he feels,what he wants,his decisions. i feel so powerless . Its like being on a frozen ocean . then suddenly theres a storm and the ice breaks into big chunks and your left on a chunk of ice that is melting more and more each day,some times it refreezes a small bit but mostly it just gets smaller and smaller ,and you find yourself wondering when will it melt completely ,and when will you drown already? in some small way you even consider jumping into the icy ocean just because you cant stand the torture of not knowing when you will finally be at peace.
Why am I waiting?
why am i so patient? ( although my patience is wearing thin)
Why do I need a man's forgiveness?
why can't i get on with my own life?
why do I always have to be in a relationship to be happy?
Why am I never happy?
why do i keep crying about this?
Is it hopeless?
will it end?
when will it end?
why am I still waiting?!
Is this really what i want?
Does he really love me?
why won't he show it?
why am i putting up with this?
Is love really worth all this?
Is this real love?
Why does it not feel like love?
When you are in love,are you supposed to be sad all the time?
WHY AM I STILL WAITING?!
6:48 AM
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