1. Reading my stories and posts on www.brizzlesbasket.com and
recommending them to your friends and family will result in you having
a bigger, more stalwart, athletic and bold, dependable and scarily
forceful, hefty, husky, muscular, powerhouse-like, robust, staunch,
steam-rolling and stout, valorous (oh I like valorous) and vigorous
penis. Yes, I said penis! And I’m not lying either -- it really will
give you a bigger one. And if you’re a girl and don’t even have a penis
it will give you larger breasts. If you already have big enough breasts
visiting www.brizzlesbasket will make them perkier and it is my
understanding perky breasts are good.
2. Reading the stories and posts on my web site will significantly
lower your blood pressure. If you still experience dull headaches,
dizzy spells or nosebleeds after reading some hilarious “Rock Me,
Momma” stories and the like on the site you can totally ignore these
symptoms. It’s okay. Really. Throw away your medicine.
3. Spending time on www.brizzlesbasket.com will make you guys look like
HGTV designer David Bromstad in jeans. I’m not foolin’. No matter what
size you are lengthwise and/or otherwise you will look exactly like
David does in jeans but you’ll be a lot more butcher than him and you
won’t paint pictures on plywood. And you ladies who spend a good deal
of time visiting the Basket and who nag and needle everyone you know
into visiting it will continue to look pretty much like you already do
in jeans. But reading the works of a literary giant like myself will
immediately result in you finding a boyfriend and/or husband. He won’t
be much to write home about and he’ll wear vests, but, let’s face it,
you are not getting any younger.
4. A daily visit to www.brizlesbasket.com will increase your approval
ratings. Barack Obama isn’t enjoying a 64 percent approval rating right
now because he’s in front of “American Idol” or “Dancing With the
Stars.” Being smart and shit has nothing to do with it, either.
Noooooooo-sir-ee. The reason BO is so loved is because he’s an avid fan
of yours truly. Yes! That, and he also looks like David Bromstad in
jeans.
5. Bookmarking and visiting my web site will result in you having
moister, more youthful looking skin. Skin like Zac Efron’s, “Twilight”
star Robert Pattinson’s and Adam Lambert’s. Okay, you’ll probably turn
gay as well, but isn’t that a small price to pay to avoid being all dry
and wrinkly?
6. Anyone who reads one of my stories, prints it out and passes it
around at the office will receive a full set of Louis Vuitton luggage.
Including a garment bag. Of course, if you are reading and printing and
passing out a tired old man’s ramblings, you really don’t have anywhere
to go. But should that change, you’ll have really nice bags to carry
with you.
7. Reading most anything on www.brizzlesbasket.com will cause an
erection lasting more than four hours. Viagra and similar product’s
commercials say if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours
you should seek immediate medical attention -- like that’s a bad thing.
I don’t know. Call whomever you like, but when I have an erection
lasting longer than four hours, I usually call this horn-dog Republican
alderman I know and Pizza Hut.
8. Enjoying the essays and blogs on my site will help you to improve
your spelling. Ah fuck. No it won’t. I’m lying. I’ve told the complete
truth in 1 through 7, but this whole improved spelling thing is pure
bullshit.
9. If you have bad habits like picking your nose or licking doorknobs
or watching “Rock of Love” or camping outdoors, a quick visit to
Brizzleland will immediately cure you. Another friend of mine, Frank
Berkheimer (who is not an alderman), had a bad habit of watching
musicals all the time, but immediately after he discovered and started
reading my glorious work (on www.brizzlesbasket.com) he simply stopped.
Okay, “Momma Mia” may have been a sort of straw that broke that camel’s
back and played a part in it all, but now he rents really good, not so
ridiculously faggy movies.
10. Going to my web site and reading my stuff will make you cooler than the other side of a polar bear’s pillow.