Sometimes, as the cliche goes, life is stranger than fiction.

This is a true story that happened to me the other day and I think its hilarious.......

So, I take the bus to and from work most of the time. I don't care where I sit, front, back, middle, whatever, as long as I got a little room, I'm good. This particular day there was a full bus but no one seemed to want to sit in the back of the bus - so I mozied my way back there.  (Did I spell mozied, right? I don't know.)

There was an older, black guy sitting across from me, a younger spanish cat sitting next to me and a mid twenties asian dude sitting just opposite me in the corner. As we start pulling away from the stop, the black guy starts talking on his phone. As the bus picks up speed, his voice gets progressively louder. Almost as though he was going to will the engine of the bus to be quiet, because as if the bus wouldn't mind, he's having a conversation. " Hey bus! while working, please keep your pistons on silent. Thanks."

I'm trying to stay focused on Larry's new "hip hop ya don't stop" column in The Stranger as it is always ripe with inside-jokes that I need to stay up on or I would lose my footing on the infamous 206proof and its banter. This, of course, is not an option. BUT the combination of this guys escalating voice and the humor in the irritated faces around me is too much. I put the paper down and observe.

The Spanish guy next to me is pretending not to notice but gives little annoyed glances at him as to indcate he isn't pleased. The asain dude in the corner has plugged one of his ears and is leaning against the window with a look of terror on his face. To him, this is gunatanemo and he is being waterboarded, the pain is tremendous.

The black guy is unphased, his conversation continues, "oh hell no, I love being divoced, Its time to get my playa status back up." 

The asian dude cringes. They just turned up the water pressure up at guantanemo.

I'm not making this up.

The Spanish guys phone rings. He answers it and starts basically yelling into his phone in spanish. And here we go.

All of the sudden, its a three way battle between the bus engine, the Black dude and the Spanish guy to see who can be heard by the entire bus.

Only the Engine doesn't know its not part of the competition, however its winning - ironic, don't ya think.

I can't help but find this funny.

Now, an older white guy, maybe 50 gets on the bus, as well as a teenage white girl with a pokemon purse. The older white dude hears the battle of the voices going on and looks back - see's the two guys, gives a look like, "figures" and turns back around to probably to text message on his iphone (I can only guess).

The asian dude in the corner has now plugged both ears and put his hood up. They must've moved on from waterboarding to electro shock - he's almost in convulsions.

And then the white girl with the pokemon purse enters late in the game. Oh man, did she have something to prove. She picks up the phone and goes to work! Looks maybe 15, blond hair, probably not even hitting 5 feet but cusses like a sailor.

"...What a fucking bitch.... I know, shes such a ho. I can't fucking believe she'd do something like that...... I always knew she was a ho."

At this point, the humor is starting to wear off. I can't believe this is actually happening. And most amazingly, none of the people on the phones seem to acknowledge the other ones existance besides the fact that they keep getting louder and louder and louder depending on who is talking and when.

Continues, "We should totally call her the fuck out on monday."

I look around and I'm the only one consciously watching this.To me, its a TV show and all thats missing is my lounge chair. Everyone just sits and moves around awkwardly in there seats, sometimes there seems to be a collective "sigh" like, "fuck, I really hope the apocolypse is coming this weekend."  But no one actively says or acts as if this demonstartion of obnoxiousness is taking place right now.

Well that is, of course, besides the non-verbal communication of the asain dude in the corner.

Continues, " What a stupid slut!"

The Black dude laughs.

The Spanish dude laughs louder.....(in Spanish?)

The White guy shuffles uncomfortably.

The bus engine is still winning.

The first stop after the bus gets off the freeway, the asain dude practically runs for the door.

They open the doors to guantanemo, there's a boat waiting for you.

And as soon as he's out the bus door, the black guy AND the little white girl get off the phone almost in unison as if it was planned. I'd like to think it was, if only for the sake of good writing for my story.

Everyone eventually gets off the bus until its literally only me, the bus engine, the spanish guy and whoever the Spanish guy is talking to.

If you're wondering, yes, my stop is the last one of the route.

The Spanish guy finally hangs up the phone........... and then starts singing.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Wow.

But when I listen, he's actually not bad though.

He gets off the stop one before mine........

Larry, I never did finish your column.

The moral of the story, ummmmm, not sure. it could be any of these or could be none of these or maybe all of these...

1. Don't talk on your phone on the bus, its like a crime against humanity?
2. Spanish dudes can sing pretty good?

3. Black guys subconsciously wanna fight bus engines?
4. White girls with Pokemon purses are badass and/or are sluts?
5. All 50 year old white men shuffle uncomfortably on the bus while text messaging on there i phones?

You be the judge, I just thought it was funny.

Long live Joe Metro.

KUBI OUT!