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Current mood:  thoughtful Category: Life
My dad would have been 77 today. It's hard to believe it's been over 6 weeks now since that morning. Will I ever forget holding my hand over his heart....as though when it left him I could carry it with me? I stayed calm....it's the thing I do. I always try to stay calm on the outside for all those around me. But sometimes a storm is brewing or even raging inside. I couldn't stop looking at the monitors and watching all the numbers drop......blood pressure, heart rate. I watched it happening and felt a desperate need to talk to my Dad. I had to believe he could hear. I needed him to know that we would all be fine and that we wanted him to be at rest. I believe he could hear and I sang...right in his ear...my head next to his. He loved singing with the Disciples when his lungs still let him. One of his favorite songs was "This World Is Not My Home". I changed the words a little...and sang, "This world is not your home, you're only passing through, your treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon you from heaven's open door and you can't feel at home in this world anymore." He had to hear....I was trying to help him on his last and most exciting journey. And then....in a heartbeat....the one under my hand...he was gone. I used to pray that when his time came, it wouldn't be the lungs that took him. I watched him struggle to breathe every day for years. I couldn't stand the thought of watching it get much worse. And that prayer was answered. In the end, it was Sepsis that they couldn't fight. Oh, they made a greater than great effort. But with his COPD and age, his body just didn't have the fight in it. But the last breaths weren't labored as I had always feared. He was still....quiet...and just drifted away to his next life. Today is my Dad's birthday. I used to think it was odd that he would mention his Mom's birthday every year....she had been gone since he was 16. It's just the first birthday we are missing him. I wonder how many years I will think of him on this day....and mention to someone......."today was my Dad's birthday." Well, at least this year. And I do miss him. I picked up the church constitution the other day, knowing I needed to be ready for a board meeting. I stood up and started to walk out of my bedroom. At the doorway I stopped myself. It is a well worn path. The one leading from my room to his....with that constitution in my hand. I smiled and told myself, "your coach isn't there....you're on your own this time." I am blessed and honored to have been a part of his life. I was blessed and honored to have been with him when he passed. I am blessed and honored to have those final heartbeats in my hand.....knowing that they do beat within me everytime I need him. This world is not our home.....we're only passing through..........
7:09 PM
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