( Just a heads up.. we Don't remember when we started dating.. If it was Sept or Oct >_<... Only thing we remember is that kids were in school. So we decided to say it was sept..  I guess it seems better or something. I don't know when my one friend got with his gf.. but i think it was like a few weeks before he went out with her.)   

This weekend has been the worse weekend ever.. we aruged, yelled, made fun of one another and for what.. I have no clue.. I woke up to him being "Mr. Hyde" Guess Dr.  jackel drank his potion while i was asleep. All I could think about was what have I done now? Did I say something, do something hell did I smell the wrong way or something? Then looking at the calander marking off the days of this horrid weekend.. and his mood seem to cool down, turning back to Dr. Jackel I still kept my distance from him. But I realized.. as I mark off the weekened.. I realized then what it was and why.. It would have marked our Three yrs togather... this week would have been the first week of us togather for three yrs.. half way point in what would have been a serious relationship. After I realized that I pulled away, I didnt want to argue.. not on that day. He turns to me with that hate in his eyes gone.. flirty, sweet.. picks me up and kiss me on my cheek.. whispering in my ear. "Happy anniversary." I frown at him and shoke my head. "No it would have been.. but not now."

There were many times I could have left him.... Halloween was the first.. I could have went back to a "chapter" I was use to.. that I could have worked with to make last longer, but instead I decided to stay with him.. a totally "new book" he turned out to be.. something I've never had... now I wonder if it was worth it. He tells me "Even though things didnt turn out the way we planned. You changed my life.. you helped me better myself." ( I sware I don't know how 0.o) " And in my eyes you'll always be my gf" ( I never know if I should take that as a good thing or kinda a warning he will be a stalker.) The next few times I could have left him.. were when he met my friends.. straight off the back a few told me he wasnt right for me, or they didnt like him. I smiled and took in their advice yet done nothing about it. Was I that blind, that sad or lonesome. Did I wanted to be with someone that badly... or Did I truely fell for him seeing myself in him and in the end it wasnt myself. I honestly don't know

Anyways the rest of the day he went on as if nothing has happened. No fighting, no bickering, nothing.  I couldn't believe someone could change their mood.. their emotions just like that. I thought I was crazy.. I thought I switched up fast.. I thought I was the worse out there.. Could it be that I found someone worse then me.. I try my best not to believe it. I know im not perfect and I try my best to change to fit their image of "perfection". Yet it always seems once I get close to it.. I become useless.

I've started my second job with the intentions of moving out. Whenever I even give a hint I'm leavin; Dr. Jackel.. he gets sweet and sad.. trys to change my mind.. but I keep my gaurd up. He tells me not to go, we can work things out. He loves me, that he has done everything for me... ~ I ask myself.. why couldnt it have been for us.. not for me alone.. ~ Hyde comes and tells me "leave.. dont cry dont shed one tear because its meaningless"..  tells me how much he doesnt love me and dislikes my friends more so. Then as I pack up he changes again.. tryin to get me to stay... over and over this happens.. driving me up the wall.. surprisied I dont have gray hair yet... The first time that happened, I balled my eyes out. Now he flips out and it doesn't phase me. I pat him on the head and say " You get over it and in the end you'll curse my name and hate the sight of me."

Don't get me wrong, he does have his sweet moments in which I couldn't believe he was the same man that says and does half the things he do. He makes me laugh.. smile, cry, frown, hate myself, love myself, feel perfect, feel ashamed all in one breath... I wonder if thats a good thing >_<

Now I just sit here and wonder what could have been, should have been? Would it have still been with him or someone else? I've grown to accept myself and my flaws.. my imperfection as my own perfection on its own. I am me nothing more.. nothing less.. even now I wonder if I should try with him once more... things were so different back then, he was so sweet... could I grow to love him again.. or should I just let it fade away...  I would grow use to it .. fadin.. but there is always something missing.. hmm.. my qoute for that is "My soulmate died while I was in the hospital."... Which is true.. but that's another story, one that hurts more then this one..

R.I.P C.A.T... In my eyes you were 1 and in your eyes I was nothing less.

So I close this "New book" and mark it "Old", placing it back on the shelf and hope I never open it again. Must move .. forward for mysake, for no one else is going to do it for me.. and I like it that way. People come and go.. its fun while it last but I don't expect; nor ever will expect someone to stay to long with me, a fate I've grown use to a long time ago.

The Show Must Go On... .... Silence... now the show begins...