today is a day that i have spent the last two terrible years aching to see: the release date of our long-long-long-awaited new full-length album, The Keys To Cat Heaven! some of you who have been following our ragtag punk band are already all-too-familiar with the ins-and-outs of this gigantic record; meanwhile, some of you may be very new to our sick little world (mostly due to my sneaky little viral plan that was unleashed over the internet for the past three days: www.welcometocatheaven.com). nonetheless, i am stoked to live to see the day when i can finally show you and the world this fuckin bangin record, and i hope that you give our new album a fair chance at love. as someone with absolutely no reason to lie to you and sickeningly little to live for, i tell you this in complete confidence: if you listen to The Keys To Cat Heaven (1) LOUD, (2) front-to-back, and (3) uninterrupted, you will hear a fantastically sad story about love, loss, and my death. if you follow my three simple instructions, you just may discover that you love this record; if i did not believe this to be an actual possibility, i would not have spent two unpaid, miserable years creating the album...so just trust me, already! at the very, very least, you will say to yourself/your cat: "i have never heard anything that sounds like this", for better or worse. what do you have to lose, besides your marbles and forty minutes of your day?

AWESOME FACT #1:

you can now officially purchase our album on Paper+Plastick's website here:

http://www.audiblediversiongroup.com/PaperandPlastick/design/2879

please buy this album. it's good and it's not expensive, justifying the purchase of one or several copies. i am over five thousand dollars in the red from making this album, and you donating a measly eight dollars for these fifteen songs is the only reason i have not to "jump" (figuratively speaking).

if you are in the first 30 people to purchase our album online (see 'awesome fact #1'), you will receive this limited edition (limited to just 60!) screen-printed poster commemorating this grand release:

this design (concocted by us) was beautifully created by the beautiful peter wonsowski. this print obviously kicks ass and missing out on the chance to own one is a grave mistake that i would not wish on my worst enemies. once these posters are gone, they are gone forever, so don't fuck this one up, man.

not sure if you want to spent eight dollars on our fifteen song record and limited edition poster? wow, that sucks that you are such a slave to foolishness and bad decision making skills. don't fret, my unfortunate friend! you can hear our album in it's entirety free of cost thanks to the website absolutepunk.net, who has graciously agreed to stream the album for one month starting today. yes, of course i realize that streaming-quality sucks badly, but so do you if you don't just pay ten dollars for our fifteen song record. listen here:

our cd release show is tonight! we will be in costume (both for fun and for halloween):

AWESOME FACT #5:

glowing reviews for The Keys To Cat Heaven are already pouring in (albeit a slow pour). here are a few of them to get your gears turning and sponges sponging:

(from Columbus Alive! magazine, written by Chris Deville)

(from UWeekly magazine, written by Don Allred)

(my grandpa Joe and his girlfriend June)

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I will now take this opportunity to answer the questions that I can blindly assume some of you are potentially pondering: 

-well, let me explain: 

-i know, i know. we want The Keys To Cat Heaven on vinyl too. its coming someday, hopefully sooner than later.

-super good.

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that was a mouthful. 

buy our album, and i love you, too.

Joseph Anthony Camerlengo, This Is My Suitcase