A lot of the time I wonder if my friends think of me how I think of them.  I dont want that to be seen as any sign of mistrust or anything.  I just wonder if I see things in a weird way.  I see them as people to turn too, and people who will look out for me.  And I know thats not weird at all, but theres other things to it.  I see my friends as people who can do no wrong.  I bicker and tell them i dont like what they are doing but in the end, i want to try everything they do, and experience everything they experience because of my envy for them.  I hate that deidre doesnt admit love, but i wish i could be so strong.  I was i was able to hide my emotions and keep myself from being hurt like she can.  It scares me so much when brian climbs stuff, but i want to know the feeling of climbing in the tree at our spot, and of being so fearless.  I HATE the way romeo drives, but i wsh i had the courage to do half the things on the road that he does.  and the ability to say that nothing happened with a straight face after going over a curb.  I can't stand when trevor is vague, or when he doesnt care about what i have to say... But i wish i had that control.  To be able to live on WITHOUT knowing peoples secrets, or without sharing my own, but my mind just doesnt work that way.  I cant keep things inside, and i cant go without feeling trusted.  Thats probably what I hate worst about myself.  The inability to keep a secret.  And I defend myself on that so often, saying i dont tell secrets to anyone but my closest friends.  But apparently i trust too easily, because I end up telling everyone i hang out with.  I can help it.  It has nothing to do with inability, and I and everyone else all know that.  But I rarely will see people I dont consider to be best friends, and i tell my best friends everything... even when i shouldnt... and im sorry for that, and understand now why I'm not told many secrets anymore.  And why sometimes it is me that people need privacy from.

It's important that I said that.  Because maybe now I can believe it.  And not feel so hurt when I don't get told every little detail of my friends' lives.

Do you ever have a friend that you get so confused about that you think about them constantly, and cry about because you want to understand them and have them appreciate you so badly?  you might not.. I might just be weird.   But sometimes with Trevor I just don't know what to think.  There are moments when i feel like he's one of the best friends I have ever had and then minutes later I'll feel like he cant stand me.  It drives me nuts.  And what drives me nuts more is that I am too afraid to say anything to him directly about it because im too scared that the latter of my feelings will be correct, and I just dont want to lose him.  I admit it, I have feelings for him in a more than friend way, but that has nothing to do with this.  He has done so much for me without even realizing it, and has helped me find out so much about myself.  I wish there was some way to help him in even an ounce of the way that he has helped me, but i feel that such a thing would be both unneeded and unwelcome.  You will probably read this.  and you will probably feel weirdly about it.  But I feel the need to say something through this, because saying it to myself just isn't enough.  I wish it was simple, and that i knew where we are at.  and that i could read your feelings so that you wouldnt have to go through the trouble of saying them, but that seems to not be happening.  I dont know what to do about it, but hopefully someone will.