By Corporal Robert L. Black, USMC

1. You will attempt to shower everyday. In the event that the heads are secured in H&S berthing by Engineers (Mondays, Tuesdays, Twice on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturday and Sundays) you will dry the sweat from your body with the Engineers'  linen. This will continue until they find something better to do.
2. Navy personnel will walk through the Passage Ways at a rate of no faster than 13 steps a minute. Navy tradition mandates that the walking method will be similar to that of LL Cool J with palsy.
3. When late for a formation, it is within the full regulations of the UCMJ for Marine personnel to push the Navy down the stairs to clear room for people who actually have fucking work to do.
4. Navy Trousers will never be worn higher than the crack of the ass.
5. Furthermore those sailors on mess duty will not wear their trousers above the line bisecting the bottom of the scrotum and the thighs.
6. In keeping with the highest traditions of the Navy, all personnel of E-7 and above are prohibited from speaking English. Marine Gunnys and above may simulate this phillipino/nonsense language by slicing the tongue, removing no more than three(3) to seven(7) of their teeth and putting live ferrets down their trousers.
7. The smoke deck will be secured everyday at 0800, 0900, 1013, 1456 and 1907:34. At this time the navy will clean and partake in "blue side smoke time." Also known as "Did you see those Jarheads out there? They look like the could really use a smoke." Time.
8. All hands will consume no less than eight(8) cups of coffee and/or six(6) monster energy drinks every 24 hours. It should be noted that it is perfectly natural for the heart to palpitate, accelerate, relocate, or ignite during extended periods at sea. Pissing blood and fire is also to be expected.
9. When "cleaning stations" is sounded the mess decks, passage ways, ladder wells, berthings, hatches, hanger deck, flight deck, well deck, and lower v will be secured. This is to be repeated during random intervals in the day for absolutely no reason.
10. H&S Physical Training will consist of increasingly strenuous "field ready" exercises. Week one: Flak jacket. Week two: Gas mask. Week three: CH-46 pull. Week four: HMMWV carry relay. Week five: Fat-Navy-guy-push-through-the-damn-hatch free for all. Week six: HM2 Curfman group deadlift. Lessons on how to make sweet, sweet love to the non-skid can be given by Captain Wallace upon request.
11. All white Navy personnel will refer to each other as "Gangsta', killa' or playa'." The fact that these sailors are from the pan handle of Florida is to be ignored.
12. All Navy/Marine aviators will wear sunglasses at all times. No exceptions.
13. Any Navy personnel who refers to a Marine as a Jarhead, devildog, or "those fucking Marines" will be beaten severely. Insults to the navy are encouraged. New insults may be made by putting the word "ass" in front of common nouns. (i.e. 'ass gardener')
14. Out of respect for all people whom are not deaf, and to retain the respect of the international warfighting community, Cpl Thompson is not allowed to be within one hundred meters of any microphone at any time.
15. Deadly force is authorized to keep Cpl Sabbatini at the same distance.
16. All maintenance on vehicles is level one maintenance, and not motor-Transports problem. In the case that the entire engine is to be overhauled and replaced that is level three maintenance, and also not motor Transports problem.
17. LCpl Schmechel is to be gagged and bound for a minimum of three(3) hours a day. This is to be done to prevent the Company First Sergeant from going insane and killing all H&S personnel with his bare hands. Under NO circumstances is Schmechel allowed to answer any questions, tell any stories, or say anything while he is "kickin' it freestyle."
18. In the event of an emergency, navy personnel can be used as floatation devices.
19. The S-3 does NOT have every piece of gear you cannot find. If you need 16 rhesus monkeys to do tests on, they don't fucking have that. Leave them alone.
20. Comm Marines are not authorized to set each other on fire.
21. All complaints to the Marine Computer help desk are to be blamed on the Navy. All complaints to the Navy help desk are to be blamed on the Marines. It should be noted that the "help desk" offers no help, and has no desk.
22. The S-2 will be responsible to remind Marines why President Clinton incited the "Don't ask, don't tell policy." All S-2 personnel are required to wear PANTS during working hours.

ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE RULES CAN BE REFERRED TO CORPORAL BLACK