i feel so anxious all of the time lately. it's one of those tight rubber band feeling. with a tension that's unreliable because its so thin, but it's doing it's job. but very unreliable with a lot of pressure. and because of too much tension and also over time, the rubber band will just snap, or sometimes even crumble. but i'm not at that part yet. but it's kind of like the beginning part feeling.

it's the feeling that i get when i need change.

so what i usually do, is rearrange things or cut my hair off, which i just did. but i don't feel differently yet. maybe i need some new music, to have a new favorite band of the moment. something with a completly new feel.

a lot of it is boredom. i am so bored!

i just can't wait any longer. all i do is just wait. i can't wait for next thursday, swing night. it's like everyday of the week just builds up to it. and then it comes and it is fabulous! holy bad choices though, batman.
it's just that everyone is there!
and the ysu theater department; getting to know all of them with theater parties and drinking and laughing and swing dancing. but there are so many twists and turns with the drama. the goal is to stay out of that messy part. i don't like drama at all. i hate stress and to worry. so i just stay calm, ehh don't worry about it. and time.

i keep listening to the same songs too. and i keep waiting for my recruiter to call me to take the fucking MEPS exam in detriot. the papers are all signed and sent as of over a week ago. i just want to go to boot camp already. i have already mentally prepared for it so that part of me is ready to go. although i am clearly not physically prepared. oh, well.

and i've been getting a lot of headaches everyday. like right now.

i woke up and took my little sister to school today. she is going through so much, with not moving in here anymore and frustration of being 15 going on 16 in a few days. she's even getting her liscense on her birthday. how perfect, though. and problems with my mom; and she really just wants to not be home all of the time which i can relate to like none other. i am so happy and jealous i tell her. she is so beautiful. and so hilarious.

it's like there are knots everywhere in my body. but it's not one of those crazy mad upset feelings. just anxious. i just want to move in with cory and pepe and mindy and the other people that will be soon moving like scott and steve and then suzie. i've been helping them a lot with their house downtown. cleaning and painting. there is still a months worth of work. i just wish i would be able to support myself being a full time student, a music major at that, and not live here at home with my dad.

and so many night i go to bed after 4am and i've been waking up early though too sometimes. i feel like i am wasting my life when i sleep now. i hate it. it's like i could be doing something, hanging out with someone, anything than doing nothing. i have so much trouble falling asleep. i always have. but i can't sleep unless i am dead tired and practically falling asleep while standing.

i've been making a lot of mix cds for people.
i need to stop smoking so much.
my dream job, what i want to be when i grow up, is to make the soundtrack to movies. i would LOVE that! i love how music makes a moment flow. because i always play music to fit the moment, fit the mood. take a person and their personality and what they would like, what would make them happy and what new music would move them. i mean i really don't like classical music that much. i don't like playing really hard pieces on my clarinet. i hate analyzing music with theory. i just can't wait until i can play my tenor sax in the jazz band with the air guard (air force) band. i miss playing that.

i also feel a road trip coming on. i think i will spontaneously visit randy brammer in new york. i need too. but i have no money. i hate money.