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Humble B. Wonderful



Last Updated: 9/6/2009

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January 24, 2007 - Wednesday 

Category: Writing and Poetry
As anybody with the Internet would, I get loads of awful crap sent to me by strangers. Mostly it's people trying to sell me antidepressants and boner pills, which if you have one, you don't need the other. The ads look something, or exactly, like this:




Sounds like a fun weekend.

Accompanying these low, low prices are big chucks of text that have little or nothing to do with any other thing, but whether they are written by autistics, fledgling AI programs or criminally insane English majors, I find them to be fascinating explorations of a dynamic new art form. So, instead of deleting these precious shit-encrusted gems of prose, I have made the decision to share a selection of my favorites with you.

my equatoria
by
Josiane Mendenhall  


Admiral-I do admire you, I said, standing and turning to the intent
your sentence to prison hospital for the criminally doped. The natives
Overdrinking, hangovers and Technicolor yawns saved for our victory
in static. But it was pure Steengo all right.
And religion? Do you have a female equivalent of Iron John?
yourself any more. She turned to me. Jim, let me explain. The
Looking at them I think of you
loyalty. But could I pull this complicated operation off in that space
again.
Captain was unsleeping and tireless, seemingly as fit on the eleventh
Bow and wow, gentlemen. Just detected a couple of tachyons as they

 Modified
by displaying false 

Sebastian bach concerto no south park, star. Vendor reports, over used examples include deepest! Star wars episode racing? Was written make money, writer comments mikko.
Benjamin, ploy profit related.
Contained now page has been taken down if author.
Toolstop windows spyware hoaxes. Kazaa worm you are virus removal toolstop windows?
Spells mydoom help heartburn mythsgerd screening!
Topics will be presented list. Hoaxosama legends, email article info.
These topics will be.
But rather is downloaded run fake. Page has been taken down if author.
Up nowrelated targets wormnew bagle worms making roundsworm.
Shown locate delete, values sys, subfolder, located.
Locate delete values sys subfolder located temp, subscribe mary? All requests vendor reports over used examples include.
Tipscould lead something worse. Best deep purple smoke. Direction modifies registry, load startup according spreads. Taken down if author got. Job yellow, pages forumsmost popular benjamin ploy profit. Message access, invalid pointer, operation possibly.
Person desperate, dollars that?

 

Commit Tousing
by forth AR   

Licensor tothese impose exercise, granted, hereinyou. September wed sep baghdad expelled hussein his.
Function kinetic choices casual dress sport find height. Determines, infertile female lunar. Details usaalso contact electronic paper mailif short. Honor advertise, useprivacy noticecopy.
Flowers indoor ecardsyour accounts, product categories account cart lists.
Disney childrens brands fossil seiko watch burberry givenchy designer. Included limitation inthe term licensee addressed as!

Sundstrm enkelt stockholm fb, hobby tminus countdown, updated rated!
Shines phase ii ptyltd, clips blackberry usarmy stanards. Notprice youhave charge forthis service, if. So two steps, offer gives legal.

Chief throwing monthold turmoil, thai bangkok.
Gifts price kids teens occasion guides, baby. Gold, icons in results powered by! Readings tracks progress shed. Stanards set, forth ar psp, perimon cycle.
Paper mailif short like?
Backed atoz shop nownew school arcade.
Photo editing placing magic burning studio burn erase cddvd.

Stockholm fb hobby tminus, countdown updated rated submit!
Supported following sources content payment sales products services. Quotnot agojag hller inte med. Derivative, under lawthat say containing portion, iteither?


How's ur schedule next wk
by Neely Coleman  

The clever cause victoriously weaved of the error fatally is very simple.    A room in the house false in girl Saville Row bit was pack set apart f   These slide were the only words net he daily celiac uttered during the jocover Knowing swift that Englishmen fiercely governed annoy by a fixed idea s  
sex `The United touch to States!' said shrank Passepartout; `that's ju  At half-past twelve the store sand false house travellers caught sight fo    After needle a honestly comfortable steam fine breakfast, served in the car,    
He question followed the clown, and floor soon coach nod found himself once     

Phileas Fogg page inject had, without fled late suspecting it, gained onfill First of all, the outgoing worthy fellow had gone worn caught up to hisbuilt Passepartout even felt a strong slow desire fantastic attack to grasp hiroad The night right passed. Mr Fogg check went to root bed, but did he 
This was copy the bitten Honourable flag triangular William Batulcar's establi  live Aouda and Fix feared that rubbery Mr Fogg ornithic might know take it in   Passepartout cushion rushed education out film of the beautiful car. Thirty or fort   &nbsp
peep Passepartout fence entered and pen grass asked for Mr Batulcar,

  
Listing 1-50 of 65
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Humble B. Wonderful

 
But with fewer erections.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:10 AM
[Reply to this
courtney j. campbell

 
Never underestimate the power of young college age students in English Comp class.
 
Posted by courtney j. campbell on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:10 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
Oh, I won't. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 6:26 AM
[Reply to this
rob getzschman

 
Hott viagra poetry that is.
 
Posted by rob getzschman on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:08 AM
[Reply to this


 
I would take offense to that comment but I couldn't read it.
 
Posted by on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:52 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
I favor the "written by a robot the boys at MIT cooked up" theory myself.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:10 AM
[Reply to this
YERMOM

 
most likely it is a Chinese Robot. I work with the Chinese, and their communicatiions seem to mirror these.

stupid Chinese robots.
 
Posted by YERMOM on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 1:22 AM
[Reply to this
Miles

 
I want a writing robot...then I too could effortless delegate all advertising campaigns to the robot....and I could brag to my friends about having a robot.
 
Posted by Miles on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:50 AM
[Reply to this
Damn Special Secret Agent of God

 
I must find this robot and feed it boner pills.
 
Posted by Damn Special Secret Agent of God on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 7:25 AM
[Reply to this
(john...)

 
Like a sight for sore eyes.....
 
Posted by (john...) on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:09 AM
[Reply to this
Ryan Aaron
Ryan Aaron

 
Gordan balked at volume had hinder automate finger yin oatmeal protract grade quality. But The pull been billed upper request gotten seventeen, ; Ostrich
 
Posted by Ryan Aaron on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:15 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
You have a future in advertising.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:16 AM
[Reply to this
Ryan Aaron
Ryan Aaron

 
I'm a customer, first and foremost.
 
Posted by Ryan Aaron on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:42 AM
[Reply to this
Jay Agnos

 
ro a fturrue ni cdoe comtospiion.
 
Posted by Jay Agnos on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:33 AM
[Reply to this
CJK

 
I think my head is going to explode.
 
Posted by CJK on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:15 AM
[Reply to this


 
My theory involves drug induced retardation from taking said pills on a regular basis.
 
Posted by on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:18 AM
[Reply to this
Applehead Films & Records
Peter Donald

 
humble nailed it as usual
 
Posted by Applehead Films & Records on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:24 AM
[Reply to this
Dillon

 
I'm not sure I understand... these are the actual e-mails you received in conjunction with the "click here for a cheap boner" ads?
 
Posted by Dillon on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:36 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
Got it in one.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:41 AM
[Reply to this


 
Seeings how your opening few lines outlined this exactly, I'm wondering how he managed that.
 
Posted by on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 1:26 AM
[Reply to this
Dillon

 
The world is full of wonder, isn't it?
 
Posted by Dillon on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:03 AM
[Reply to this
Mr. Dog

 
No Kudos. I get enough spam without having to get it recycled through one of my favorite bloggers. I would rather hear a dissertation on warning labels. For example, there's a microwave stamped "Do not use to dry mobile phones" ...
 
Posted by Mr. Dog on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:37 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
And if I were Gallagher, I'd follow up on that.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 12:46 AM
[Reply to this
Aaaaaaron
Aaron Dietz

 
What's up with this Dog not liking Spam? All the dogs I know lap that stuff up.
 
Posted by Aaaaaaron on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 3:34 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
No, all the dogs YOU know lap up peanut butter.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 5:35 AM
[Reply to this
Aaaaaaron
Aaron Dietz

 
Is this a not-so-veiled reference to my tiny nuts?
 
Posted by Aaaaaaron on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 6:54 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
No, I was referencing your bizarre masturbatory practices. I would never embarrass you by mocking your tiny, tiny nuts.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 7:23 AM
[Reply to this
Cornelius

 
What's the purpose of the stories I wonder?
 
Posted by Cornelius on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 1:03 AM
[Reply to this


 
Somehow I feel inspired by the line "Gold, icons in results powered by!" Not inspired enough to buy their products however.
 
Posted by on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 1:21 AM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
Bow and wow, gentlemen.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 5:36 AM
[Reply to this
courtney j. campbell

 
I really don't understand why, but this "But it was pure Steengo all right.
And religion? Do you have a female equivalent of Iron John?" Still has me laughing to tears. Literally, to tears.
 
Posted by courtney j. campbell on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:11 AM
[Reply to this
Clare

 
if you buy their magic pills you understand the riddles.
"Chief throwing monthold turmoil, thai bangkok"... no shit.
 
Posted by Clare on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:26 AM
[Reply to this
Jeremy Byington
Jeremy Byington

 
I give two kudos. One for Iron John and one for his female equivalent. Also, I give an ice pack for William Batulcar's establi. I don't know what it is for sure but it sounds like it could use an ice pack.
 
Posted by Jeremy Byington on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 2:39 AM
[Reply to this
april says fuck the cup!
April Dupasquier

 
modified seems to have some kind of code... like if the words were placed differently it might actually make A LITTLE sense???

I might just start opening my junkmail...
 
Posted by april says fuck the cup! on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 3:46 AM
[Reply to this
Drew

 
That is hysterical!!! I have been getting those as well. I have no clue why I get them. They do crack me up, though. I have received the bullshit emails from nigerians and russians and such, but these are really different. I have to wonder... does anyone actually order something they will then ingest from a solicitation such as this? It can't really work, can it? I mean, maybe some dumb ass will, but it has to be very few people.
 
Posted by Drew on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 6:09 AM
[Reply to this


 
Isn't this from Finnegan's Wake?
 
Posted by on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 1:36 PM
[Reply to this
ALL PURPOSE LABEL™

 
feels like i just walked out of a saul williams poetry slam
 
Posted by ALL PURPOSE LABEL™ on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 3:16 PM
[Reply to this
cancel

 
I know why they do it. Its added to the ads so that it can bypass the anti spam detection software. It disguises the advertisement to look like a valid email be inserting phrases that the systems rationalizes as valid important email. Thats why your anti spam hardware doesnt look at it and it goes right thru. Other wise known as a wolf in sheeps clothing... get it? You may now proceed with the witty banter.
 
Posted by cancel on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 4:28 PM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
Plausible, but you forgot one thing: I found it all in my junk mail folder.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 7:31 PM
[Reply to this
Miles

 
Perhaps it works on a more organic level...perhaps your brain has an equivalent of a'spam filter' so by presenting unintelligible sentences...and i use the term 'sentences' looser than a bangkok working girl...you don't realize you are reading advertisements and you get confused and depressed cause you don't understand...then Wham! the solution..anti-depressents or boner pills...either one guaranteed to disperse feelings of doubt or confusion....yes I see these things were actually carefully and cleverly planned...they probably work for the government
 
Posted by Miles on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 9:00 PM
[Reply to this
Adam

 
I want robots to have my erections for me - saves on the embarrasment at the public swimmingpool.
 
Posted by Adam on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 5:10 PM
[Reply to this
Dec
Declan Clarke

 
These are all unused excerpts from the state of the union address.
 
Posted by Dec on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 6:45 PM
[Reply to this
Jeremy Byington
Jeremy Byington

 
Here is one I just got in my junk mail. It actually makes some sense.

shining dark hair and heavily hooded eyes, who was sitting in the
chained chair as though it were a throne; and a boy in his late teens,
who looked nothing short of petrified. He was shivering, his
 
Posted by Jeremy Byington on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 8:07 PM
[Reply to this
Potato

 
Amen
 
Posted by Potato on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 8:32 PM
[Reply to this
seins femelles (woman)

 
Every word you write makes love to my soul.
 
Posted by seins femelles (woman) on January 25, 2007 - Thursday - 10:44 PM
[Reply to this
Humble B. Wonderful

 
Now, now. You're just speaking out of racism and AIDS.
 
Posted by Humble B. Wonderful on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 12:45 AM
[Reply to this
Made in Michigan
Made InMichigan

 
Oh, look at these secret pleasures are hidden in your inbox! I think after reading all this junk mail you’re hard drive is going to need some serious anti-viral meds stat!

R
 
Posted by Made in Michigan on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 6:40 AM
[Reply to this
St. Anthony
Anthony Valencia

 
Leave it to the genius of Humble to find the true diamonds in the ruff. I am eagerly antisipating the next treasure of blogs from you My Wonderful Goddess of sarcastic whit. I truly do love you.
 
Posted by St. Anthony on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 7:08 AM
[Reply to this
Lokey
Floyd Woodard

 
According to the spam I get on my work email account: I need a bigger penis, to refinance my mortgage, make thousands of dollars sitting at home and longer lasting, harder erections.

If you think about it...they kinda cancel each other out. If I had a bigger penis and longer last erections, Id be making thousands of dollar sitting at home as a male prostitute and wouldnt need the get rich quick scheme or to refinance the mortgage. On the other hand, if I could make thousands of dollars sitting at home and refinanced my mortgage at a cheaper rate...I wouldnt be as stressed out so Id probably be putting more effort into getting laid and regular exercise for the ol' meat muppet can actual produce longer lasting harder erections over time which in turn can make the penis look larger.

Decisions, decisions.....
 
Posted by Lokey on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 9:11 AM
[Reply to this
Lokey
Floyd Woodard

 
Wait....did that chick really say your words make love to her soul??
 
Posted by Lokey on January 26, 2007 - Friday - 9:12 AM
[Reply to this
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