okay so basically today seriously sucks..i want to be with my love but were apart but were apart way apart and it hurts me very much and i feel like im a distance from who i really want to really still be here.someone who is still here in spirit is no longer here physically in my presence we werent to close but she was family she went to her spot she is in her position to watch over her remaining family that are still here she will look over us like she did when she was here physically that is just the kind of lady she was.this day has been long strenuous and very hard on me i just want to let the tears fall but im trying my damndest to feel up to being strong but sometimes in the moments of me feeling down i just dont let my feelings of such small things get to me such as getting pissed off because of boredom which i suffer from every single day of my long fucking life as a teenager it really sucks i dont really live the life as a normal teenager im alawys stuck up in a fuckin shell noone seems to help me besides my sister and other people who actually show that they fucking care about me.i really enjoy being around my sister and my nephew, they keep me going. and i thank you both. i just thank everyone that has helped me as far as i am now. i am staying strong cuz of you guys love you soo much.it just seems life is so slow and fucking boring until the weekends when i actually get to do things cuz i really dont got much going on i dont got school to worry bout and yeah i dont knowi just think my life would be so much better if my dad was not so stupid. i wish i could live somewhere else in this so seemed world that is basically closing in around me and is feeling like everything is like somthering me and im just overwhelmed with so much shit its not even funny. there are things that i have going for me but sometimes it gets so tough and i just want to give up but i think of people who care about me and people who are not around physically but spiritually what they would want me to do and all tht gives me a boost and i keep going just because of all them. they are my inspirations to keep going i know they all want me to succceed and be the best person and i can be and i feel that i am doing tht but there are times that i feel that i am letting them down and they see me down low and that is when im at my lowest peak and i dont lie seeing anyone see me like that cuz im the kind of person to look at someone and hopefully brighten there day.im the best person i can be sometimes people expect more out of me but i  can olny give so much but some people understand i can give so much but sometimes i can give so little depending on my peak style.. i dont know it seems that i am on my lower peak style today but im trying to let things not get into my mind that i dont want to be there. i think im doing well. i had the the Sad privilege of telling my brother alex the unexpected death of my great aunt joann today, and for the first time in a long ass time, we embraced and he told me that: "I'm Sorry But I Need A Hug From You Right Now" I Told Him It's Okay. I'm Here Just Keep Cool.I Wish I Could Go Back In Time So everything could be like it was beofre i was 12 but i want to go back in time but be able to have met the people i know now. the day my mom past was the worst day i could ever think of that has happened to me ever in my whole 17 yr old life. i was the one to go in her room and see her in her state of mind that i could not believe she was in but when i saw that she was no longer with us that was a life changing event for me my life changed forever and is still changing that is probably why im so overwhlemd with depression and so on. but yeah i think im done for now..