State: South
Country: UK
Signup Date: 6/12/2007
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
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this was going to be in two parts...
but due to my lack of laptop access while in the uk
it's going to be one big epic blog.
so ladies and gentlemen, pour yourself a cup of tea...
this is... *drum roll* THE TOUR BLOG!
weeks of travelling, heart ache, drama and tears...
for your amusement!
chapter 1. the UK leg -
This story starts properly, with myself being driven, with all my equipment,
by the lovely jackie martin-corben, down to brighton to prepare for an early waking
in which the journey would begin.
however, that is not when the tour began
the tour began a couple of days before - in Portsmouth
but due to dates not matching up, there happened to be a couple of days between then,
and the next set of shows.
but the portsmouth show was wonderful,
i arrived early to set up and get it seated, with lots of treats and goodies set onto the tables
which added to such a wonderful atmosphere!
the venue was packed out - and from what it seems
everyone had a wonderful time
there are some cheeky videos on facebook of it
one of myself, and the wonderful paul hunnam, covering lady gagas poker face
and another short clip of myself dancing on a chair and singing a particular song from mary poppins
with an awfully long song name... ha.
i had so much fun there.
A FEW DAYS LATER..
in brighton, things are sitting around ready, were all buzzing to leave.
sleep time.
morning, drive to leicester!
theres not much i can really say about the show, honestly...
it was good, met some absolutely lovely people who came down to the show
but i think i'd have more to say, should something have gone HORRIBLY wrong
but it didnt... so this remains pretty unspoken
however, we did recieve amazing hospitality from calvin after the show
all hail calvin!
though i didn't have much to bitch about in regards to leicester
london is a different story.....
the cobden club, john fossey and his door man.
this is where what became known as the 'cuntdown' appeared
(more on the reason why, after the good parts)
stunning venue, however.... in the middle of nowhere
and badly advertised. but not JUST badly advertised
it was only advertised as a private members club...
which gave the impression it was a private function... which it wasn't
so alas. lack of crowd
BUT
though there was a great lack of crowd,
its quality over quantity
and in said crowd was the wonderful, linda robertson!
as some of you may be aware, i adore this woman
her book 'what rhymes with bastard?' is a bible to me....
good marriage gone bad? cabaret bands? smutty songs? cross-eyed cats?!
it was love from the word go.
she happened to be over from san fransisco for a wedding
so she came to the show!
it was so so so lovely to meet her
and i convinced her to do a cover of a cotton candy cabaret song with me
cotton candy being the band she wrote the lyrics, and played accordion for
we did 'no butts', which i'm sure some of you would have seen me do live at one time or another
it made me happy
we exchanged notes all night, as we couldn't talk over the loud bands
and it was wonderful
i took a picture with her before she had to leave
here is said picture -
also, as i know david will be reading this and wondering "WHERES OUR MENTION?!"
in the crowd were the lovely lovely lovely david and miles!
i would have made a bigger point in this blog about them, but i see them often
and eat their ready meals at their house. so all is well....
THE CUNT DOWN!
i'll make this quick...
basically, promotor (john fossey) was nothing but rude and snappy to me in emails
and quite frankly, way too demanding for someone who should be sorting out the needs of who he puts on
not the other way around...
he didn't turn up at the show
his door man turned up after the second act finished (should have been an hour before doors...)
AND
what really took the biscuit
the door man waited for the last acts to be in full swing, when he TOOK the money and ran out of the venue
so there we were, in london, unpaid, pissed off and... a little drunk.
shit wanker promotor, money stealing door man, venue over priced and in the middle of nowhere
the cuntdown so far
1. john fossey
2. john fosseys door man
3. the cobden club (cunt, in building form)
but we had a nice breakfast at mishkins parents house, all was well in the end.
next show, glasgow.
but we have a day off - so we made it up north
traffic was ridiculous, it took us 13 hours to get from london to carlisle
but once we got there, it was lovely
we stayed with johnny from the dirty business brigade (artists who fly under the dresden doll banner, basically)
where once again, we recieved amazing hospitality!
so thank you johnny! it was wonderful
glasgow glasgow glasgow glasgow
arrived in the afternoon, and met up with lou hickey
who i lovelovelove
she told us all about her exciting projects that are lined up
though, i'm not sure how much i'm allowed to say, due to it being business
in short i'm so happy for her!
had some drinks, played the show (which was great!)
i found out michael jackson was dead, DURING my set
i thought people were joking... i was just about to play child catcher...
naturally, i couldn't help but make a joke about it...
found out it wasn't a joke after the set. i felt bad.
afterwards, went back to her cellists house, where more great hospitality happened!
i got called at an ungodly hour, to which i picked up the phone with a confused "hello?!"
as the number was withheld...
THIS SECTION HAS BEEN DELETED.
it did sing some praises, but things have changed since i started this blog.
anyway. glasgow. hospitality, yes...
i'm writing all this out over different days
the parts before this, were written in a camp site somewhere in holland
currently, we're in the tour van somewhere in germany,
listening to nick cave, while i tap tap tap away at the laptop.
after glasgow we played bolton.....
not a good experience.
ever seen the tv show 'phoenix nights'?
imagine that.
there was no sound system
in the roughest area of bolton
where peoples faces were as hard as the ground that they spat on.
when we went to the local "classy restaurant" aka - the grotty kebab shop
where we were informed that glastonbury was the other way.
we didn't play the show due to the lack of sound system - but frankly, we were glad to leave...
we stayed at the wonderful willow blues house, who came along and rescued us,
a long with the beautiful and very talented coco malone (that womans voice makes me melt)
i played some improptu songs on accordion, and mishkin from birdeatsbaby joined in for a couple of numbers
it was nice, we had wine, we had great conversation, and we had fun.
willow, if you're reading this, thank you so much
i know i thanked you lots on the night, but i'd like to do it again. publically!
back in the car currently. we have switched to mishkins ipod
currently song = the legend of zelda theme - john williams
ha!
BACK TO THE STORY PLEASE JOE.
wigan followed bolton,
much nicer place... hooray!
the venue was nice, just a small rock club really
nothing particularly special... just nice
however, there is a little story to tell.
one of the other acts, consisted mainly of twats.
big glowing, flaming, huge... twats
ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for 'the jokers'!
they weren't nasty to us, specifically,
but they were rude, arrogant and disrespectful to the shows promotor
and from our brief meeting earlier on, i had decided this promotor was very nice
(he was lovely, spoke to him lots later on)
they took over our merch area and put up banners of themselves
i mean, banners are fine. but in your OWN merchandise area....
they had a 10 year old as a roadie, which was quite obviously one of their children
because they insisted that they would not walk on stage until they make their entrance
this kid had to check all their equipment
i felt sorry for him...
we wondered if he was embarressed to be watching his dad make a complete prick of himself?
there was a lot of "oooh yeaah baby" and hair flicking in their set.
they were at least in their late 40's, it looked awful - no one was impressed....
we stayed in a warehouse that night
spent most of the night and early morning hours talking to robbie (promotor)
while everyone else slept
when i finally crawled to bed, it was under a pool table....
last day of the uk leg approached.
*phew*
reading - the face bar
we arrived early, so we went to ellas parents house (birdeatsbaby, cello)
sat around, had lunch, rested.
when the equipment was taken to the show in reading,
i headed off to the oakford social club to see my favourite lady in the whooooole world.
beatrix von bourbon!
she happened to be running her regular cabaret show 'hot muffins'
on the same night as ours...
which was a shame, because i was going to attend the show, should a date had not appeared on that day!
got to the venue, and spotted dolores delight! so i sat and chatted with her for a bit
(she has an absolutely stunning voice - www.myspace.com/doloresdelightsings)
we're both doing the house of burlesque at the kings theatre in portsmouth on august 14th,
everyone in the world should come to that show, it's going to be wonderful
beatrix soon appeared, so i gave her a shout, she seemed quite happy to see me!
she ran over to give me a hug and a smooch,
which was a great welcome, considering that touring isn't the most loving experience in the world, ha...
seeing her always makes me so so so so happy!
missy malone then appeared, so i went and chatted with her for a bit too
and we made arrangements for a show next year. but that is quite far off, so we shall not speak of that yet!
and of course matt volatile, the tattooed, bow tie wearing chap himself.
got some lovin' off him too!
but considering the night ahead, i needed all the lovin' i could get...
soon it was time to leave the oakford social club, to get back for soundcheck
i was sad to go, i would have liked to stay....
right, back at the venue.
i soundcheck, the whole time being heckled by the greasy metal act that is opening the night,
not a good first impression for them to give, frankly
they started bitching about us outside, as we were just, and i quote!
"a bunch of girls, and some wierdo with an accordion"
they were above this apparently, and continued to slag us off DURING their own set
no, not between each other, over the microphone.
after they finished i took to the stage, quite angry
wait, no... not angry. fucking pissed off
but being the passive agressive person i am. my retaliation?
to change lyrics to mock them!!
they were called bloodloss. awful fucking name
especially for such a generic wankerish metal band
i opened the set with 'happy birthday mister black'
so i changed the last set of lyrics to suit the situation...
it would usually go
'and i'll sing you a song
now that this one is done
so you can move a long
it goes
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
your mother fucked a gypsy
and the outcome was you'
so i changed it to
'and i'll sing bloodloss a song
now that this one is done
so they can move a long
it goes
im more metal than you
im more metal than you
gorgoroth fucked a gypsy
and the outcome was you'
they were NOT impressed
so they formed an angry mob and stood right in front of the stage, arms folded
look very very very serious. and seriously angry!
the problem with picking a fight like this, is that you can't back down when you start
so i had to continue, and continue to mock them
eventually they started threatening a bit too much....
and were escorted out by security!!
i narrowly avoided getting my face kicked in, by a bunch of arrogant metal heads! score.
the cuntdown changed in this period.
1. bloodloss
2. john fossey
3. john fosseys door man
4. the cobden club (cunt, in building form)
5. bolton (cunt, in place form)
6. the cotton tree - bolton venue (cunt, in building form)
7. the jokers
the reading show was good, sold loads of cd's
but i still wish i had stayed with beatrix and everyone at the oakford social club
i can't remember which night, but beatrix was texting me,
during/after a wine fueled night with kittie klaw, james, honey wilde and dolly rose
and it made me realise how detatched touring is, from everything that is going on outside of that van...
i wanted nothing more than to sit down and drink wine with them
(and no, not just because kittie klaw gives her bum a good wiggle on my lap, though that is a plus!
shame about the whole homosexuality thing i have going on - then i could appreciate it more. ha!)
lets here a cheer for kittie klaws bottom!
*hip hip*
*HOORAY!*
my laptop battery is nearly gone,
and we're nearly in berlin i believe...
we have a day off, so we're going out there
i love berlin
i'm playing a show there on august 22nd
the bang bang club, a cabaret show called 'la fete fatale'
*laptop is dead*
the date now? july 26th.....
tour has been over for a week.
i never got to finish my blog, not enough power sockets in the world -
when you're sharing with so many people....
I hadn't managed to say anything about the european leg in the previous writing,
so lets hope i can look back now - a week later... and make sense
honestly? it was a blur...
after that, i can give a great self diagnosis and say, i don't enjoy touring
by about half way in, i was slowly starting to crack and wanted to get back home.
but it was only a month i hear you say?!
yeah, it was a month. but it was not a comfortable month.
to you it may sound like nothing, but when you're actually INSIDE the machine of touring
you don't know what it's like.
as a kid, i wouldn't even stay round my friends houses,
took me YEARS to even attempt it. even then i freaked the fuck out
yeah... i've come a long way from that, as most weekends are spent away, due to the nature of my job
but a month solid. not the same thing.
i apologise if i miss out dates from the european leg, but it truly was a blur...
first show, mastricht (spelling?) in holland.
we played in a huge warehouse squat
absolutely lovely people, took care of us very well
a real eye opener in regards to other peoples life styles
on the way we stopped off somewhere in belgium.
we saw a sculpture of chocolate being made
and some windmills
keely - "oh... not stereotypical at all..."
of course, this was said while myself and mishkin were drinking tea and discussing the queen
gary (scottish) was eating haggis and being a bigot, and keely (irish) was painting a fence,
and stealing a ladder with a pig under her arm.
we represent our people well, i'm sure....
keyboard broke at the show, yes... the first show
we got it saved. thank fuck for midi
but the next day. ie - paris show
we had no keyboard
had to rent one, it was shit. didn't have a pedal
show was awful. absolutely awful
but the guys from atomsk came down, which was really nice of them
i had wine, and great conversation
the show didn't matter - i got to see some friends
we had a hotel - wow. yes. a lovely hotel
for 1 person..... shared between 6.
not comfortable
i'm sure i kicked someone in the face in my sleep
oh well.....
we went to a campsite in holland after the paris show
keyboard got fixed a couple of days later
we went to berlin on our day off before chemnitz show (germany)
i fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE berlin
i want to live there, i want to set up a fucking life there.
it was stunning
chemnitz show was cool, underground club
met some lovely people
including a fan of the strange death of liberal england!
they are local to me, and i adore them
some of you may recall, i did a theatre show with them, when they had an orchestra
amazing music, check them out in my top friends.
blur.
blur.
blur.
i remember sleeping in a strange empty house...
i think the czech republic happened after that?
can't spell OR pronounce the places we played...
but i was very very ill for the first one
i played the show with no make up on, and really calmly
the venue was like a whiskey barrell...
next show in czech was nice, can't remember how many days after it was though...
i would just describe it was a gypsy barn dance
we slept in an abandoned orphanage.
we fled.
and were told to sleep in the barn.
then loads of drunk beardy guys came in.
so we went back to the orphanage....
mish had a hangover, gary picked up an attractive czech girl
all was well....
we camped in the promotors garden the next day
this was one of the days i cracked.
and i sat in the living room, with the others having a party outside,
drinking green tea and telling phillipa about how i'm so depressed and hate everything
angsty... yes. but its how i felt
i emailed amanda palmer spilling my guts out about how much i hate this
and i hate the uncertainty, and i miss my home comforts,
and i hate that i feel so alone... even though i'm surrounded by people..
her reply calmed me down, and i realised it would soon be over.
shes a wise woman....
slovakia happened after this, but there was a couple of days of more camping
somewhere on the slovakia border?
can't name either place. couldn't even pronounce it at the time
slovakia was interesting...
venue in middle of forest
met a big group of girls who came to see me - they were INCREDIBLY enthusiastic
and i've never seen someone freak out so much when i hugged them
there were tears and lots of thank you's....
i wasn't sure how to react, but it was cute!
couple more days.
then we went to stay with richarp kapp in vienna (austria)
for 3 or 4 days? i can't remember
but i liked vienna,
it was my favourite part (on par with berlin!)
day off, then show - show at a venue called the chelsea
some wonderful people came
including someone who had seen me in london at the festival of sins
and a lady who ran the cinema strange shows in vienna - you girls were wonderful,
and thank you soooo much for coming to both shows and being so so so supportive
beautiful, and very well dressed ladies
during the chelsea show i sat with beri (from festival of sins)
and flo (her really rather attractive model friend, who i took quiiiite a liking to) for the majority of it
then went out drinking with them, at which point i got quite drunk, and ended up getting a big silly.
all three of us ended up back at beri's house
that was quite a good night *ahem*
my knowledge of the german language is limited. really quite limited
so flo was very lovely, and took me back to richard kapps house the next morning
i took a picture of flo on the bus back, so i could put it in a tour blog
he said he wasn't in a fit state to have photos taken of, so i'm being nice and not putting it up.
day off again.
we went site seeing, saw a huge lovely church
had a lovely meal
it was lovely.
lovely
lovely
lovely
next day, last show.
yes. thats right, last FUCKING show.
a cafe show, a place called cafe carina
cute.
i was really quite annoyed - due to the fact i WAS NOT ON THE FUCKING POSTER OR FLYER
but oh well.... can't win them all...
really good turn out, amazing turn out in fact
i'm hoping to get a video of me being accompanied by mishkin and phillipa of birdeatsbaby,
covering missed me, by the dresden dolls
it was my final song of tour.
i was happy to see it end,
but sad to see it go. (yeah i know, after all the angst i had going on!)
it was nice...
we headed back to the van after the show, and started our journey home
i took sleeping tablets. got monged out
shuffled round a couple of service stations with no shoes on
didn't know where i was...
eventually we took the tunnel back to the uk.
14 hours later.
i bought bizarre magazine at the first service station back in the uk
cause apparently i was in it again
hazah. there i was...
the poster boy for 'proud to be different'
cute
didn't realise that was gonna happen, when i was asked to pose with their shiny new badge
i just thought i'd be a random picture there...
i love alix fox.
i hope we get married one day!
theres a new song i wrote, about her
it's called the stalking song...
guess what thats about?!!?
(if you want to see her being tied up, and serenaded. come to bizarre live on august 20th. im playing.... very happy about that)
some time later. i was being picked up in brighton by jackie
i was so happy to be back....
UK... stick the kettle on.
cause mister black is back.....
i'm now putting things back together,
and getting myself back together again, emotionally and physically
winds are changing, tides are changing
keep your ears peeled.
maybe see you on the road again?
but probably not.
love. forever and always.
JB
x
11:22 AM
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