Another year older.

Wow, what a year it's been.  How funny that last year at this time I was so naive and full of hope that within our first six months of trying to conceive we'd be successful.  I was certain I'd be celebrating my next birthday with a baby.

So much happened.  So much heartache and loss.  But a lot of good things too.  I learned who was really there for me.  I learned who really cared for me.  I learned that I am not alone in my pain and because of my loss I can reach out to more women who suffered with fertility issues and pregnancy loss.  I count that as a blessing in a way to be able to relate to others about such an emotional experience.  Trust me, no one can understand the pain of a negative pregnancy test until they've seen it repeatedly.  No paint company can duplicate how stark white that can be.  And no one can understand how much you can love a child you just found out you were carrying and how badly losing that child can hurt until they've been robbed of that joy.

I don't mean this to be a pity party blog or a "woe is me" post, I just mean to say that I feel I've grown and changed more in the past year than ever before and I am okay with the things that caused it.  I'd love to be hugely pregnant with my first rather than having lost him, but I am at peace with the loss and hope that with my fertility problems and miscarriage I am able to help another woman through their own pain.

Yep, I'm a big kid now