I've been tired all day, and once I decide to lay down I can only close my eyes and think.
It's as if at night my mind races, I began to over analyze situations, and no matter how hard I try, sleeping is impossible.

I thought, perhaps if I shared, my mind would be set at ease and sleep would be easier to come across.  I like to analyze myself, because once I do so I realize things I didn't know before, liking it or not, it's just better knowing.  Tonight I thought about that stupid truth box thing.  About how one person said I pushed the world away and another person said I'm so concerned with myself that there is no room for anyone else.  And although I already knew those things I was wondering why I do it.  Why I'm so set on being isolated from the rest of society. It's as if I run on fear, I honestly don't know much about emotions.  I don't completely understand what is what when I feel them sometimes.  But if there is any familiar feeling, it's fear.  I don't really know what I'm scared of.  Perhaps its being close to someone and losing them, or getting close to someone only to find out they were the wrong person to get close to.  It's so extremely hard to make friends when I only want to hang out with people I know well. Honestly, I don't even know how I became friends with most of you guys, it just happened.  Everyone is so judgmental, I guess I'm just against being categorized.  I'm shy, and having a very hard time trying to break out of my shell.  There is always something holding me back.  I know that I can't let fear run my life, but it already has, and things have always worked out til now.  Now I want to change.  It was so much easier when I just didn't give a fuck about anything, but when I had realized how unhealthy that was I sort of just started.. caring.  And although perhaps I wish I still didn't care about anything, and even though I still don't care about a lot of things, I just want to be.. free.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so extremely mentally exhausted. Sunburn isn't all that I thought it would be, it actually hurts pretty bad. I'm snotting alot and every time I go to wipe my nose I feel nothing but pain.

I've watched people take control of other people, without force.  I refuse to let that happen.  I'm so extremely independent sometimes that it's disgusting and nothing to take pride in.  
Sometimes I get quiet.  It becomes hard for me to speak.  It takes all of my energy for something to come out and it always ends up in a whisper.  I don't know why that happens, but if I ever get quiet, its normal.

I should probably start liking myself more, that would help a bit.  
And for the guys that do like me, I can't say I know who most of you are or what sparked your interest.  But apparently I'm extremely intimidating. Sorry about that.  Also, you can't like me if you know nothing about me.  That's just, odd.  And you will never have a chance with me if you don't play video games and like to laugh.  I'm extremely playful/cheerful, I enjoy small things, and I go for geeky.  Oh, and words of advice, talking about how you got so drunk that you don't remember the previous night is such a turn on, except, not really.

Wilson is full of constant flashbacks, good and bad.  I guess this place wouldn't be so bad if it didn't have a high criminal rate and if I didn't forget everyone. Or if I didn't find ways to ditch any form of communication. I don't know what's up with that.





In any case. Here is to me, trying to not be so extremely afraid of the world.  To not pushing away everyone.  To lowering my boundaries/walls but not letting them down.


Oh and I'll do something with my life when I feel like it. If I'm childish it's because I'm a child.  Perhaps you should live a little, it's really not that bad.

And remember, things could always be worse, so appreciate what you have.  Take nothing for granted.  
Optimism is the best ism, other than orgasm, ;]. har har, i kid, what a dirty joke that was. [its asm and not ism antyway.] 
Okay. but for real.
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
And I should stfu before I sound too ridiculous.