I don't know what is happening with me lately.
Can you imagine never really feeling, understanding, or knowing what emotions are?  Always being slightly empty. Everything is voided with laughter.  Perhaps it is because noone showed me affection as a child, noone gave me the right amount of attention.   Maybe this is why I am so child-like.  It's funny.  You wouldn't think that I'd give my heart away, or care so extremely much for people, but that is my weakness.  Guarding my heart is a full time job now a days.

3rd Grade was the worst year of my life.
April was the worst month of this year.
And every day is just different.
In April I found out what love feels like when it ends.  I discovered what it's like to not live with my mother.  And coincidentally, it's the same month she got breast cancer.  It's hard to deal with so many things at the same time.  My way was to not deal with them at all.  So I just held it in, like I have always done. I healed, she healed, everything was fine. It's November.  Her breast cancer is back.  Her husband left her yesterday for no apparent reason.  I don't know how to be there for her.  My mother has not been the best mother, but she is an amazing person.  If you love me, you'd love her.  
She is the only person I know who has been through what I have.  Perhaps I blame her, but then again, it is sort of her fault.  All of this could have been prevented if she would have had her mind on right.  Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today. And I must say, I do enjoy who I am.  I can't emphasize enough how much i need her right now.  She has never gave up on me, which is more than I can say for others.  She deserves the world.  
I want to pray for her but I do not pray.  Everytime I have ever prayed something really bad has happened.  Right now, I can't afford anything really bad to happen.  Could you however, say a prayer, for me?  It's okay if you can't.  I completely understand.

I think I am sad.
How does one know.  I would not specify it by the tears sliding down my cheek, for I have cried many a times without this feeling existing.  Is it possible that I am just now learning emotions.  I feel like I am leaking.  I can't hold anything in anymore.

Let's say I did something stupid.  Something like, get completely waisted. Let's say I had noone to talk to and I just wanted my body to be free without me in it.  I don't know what happened that night.  I am telling you that it was not good.  I talked about things that I do not talk about.  I screamed everytime I closed my eyes.  My brother described as if I were seeing horrible images everytime they were shut.  I assume them to be flash backs.  I chipped my tooth.  I am extremely self concious about it.  Needless to say I am never doing that again.  I am glad I was with family, and as awful as it sounded, I think I needed it.  That experience taught me that I can't keep burying things inside.  It only backfires. That night is the reason I write this blog.



I don't know what to do with myself.

I am so lost, far more lost than I have ever been before.  All I have is my motivation and dedication.  I did not type this for pity.  If there is anything I dislike it's being pitied.  I did not write this for advice, I am head strong.  I do not need words of encouragement.  I just wanted to release this built up tension.  And now that this is written, I think I'll go to sleep.  


I regret this already.

I want to thank a lot of you.  I know I thank a lot.










Chakra is missing.