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Current mood:  blessed Category: Life
12/15/07
As a person who deals with Bipolar
Disorder, I feel I can legitimately
offer a description of what it is like
to live with this condition.
My ongoing overview of Bipolar within
society has led me to believe that,
although the disorder may be widespread,
it doesn't seem to be of a large
percentage of the populace. I say this
because most of the people I've known
do not seem appreciably affected
by mood problems. I have often seen a
sense of puzzlement, as if being from a
different country, in people who do not
routinely grapple with depressions.
But there are two sides to this condition.
Becoming "too happy" can be as much
a problem as becoming too sad.
Here is my attempt to describe what has
happened to me throughout my life:
Usually, after a time of deep and painful
depression, there comes a reversal. As I've
come to learn, it is an onset of precipitating
neurotransmitters, rolling in like a tide,
sparking through brain cells,
which begin firing like the pistons in
the motor of a racecar going ever faster.
The mind reels, entering an economy of thought,
becoming ever more compact and streamlined.
The field of vision, facing forward to
a future of possibilities,
which had before been contracted like a long
tunnel ahead with faint light at the end,
is now dilated widely, heading into a brilliant
landscape with an array of shining paths
and interests.
A great sense of cascading bliss ensues.
But the abundance of fuel washing through
the brain is like a flood which carries
forboding. Because the supply is
limited, and there is a drought ahead.
The extremes of energy and ideas, and
the lack of sleep, begin to take their
toll. Judgement and reason start to
crumble. Mental acuity fades
into a charged negativity, a pool of
irritability. Becoming suspicious of and
abrupt with even the closest friends
leads to angry outbursts, demands for
respect, and sometimes words which
will be regretted.
The same world which was blindingly
lit with promise is in the balance.
Then, the bright, sunny day ends. The
sun sets, the dusk lowers. The air is
chilled, the night has fallen.
The depletion of the neurotransmitters can
happen as suddenly as a car running out of gas.
It is like tripping down a flight of stairs
into a dark basement. The floor is
cold, the body aches, there is no light.
The foray into the great land of freshness
and gladness seems like it was just a
nice dream. The good feelings melt away
like morning fog. All the high roads,
the vistas, the promises of fulfillment,
crash down like a house of cards. It is
now a strained effort to do anything.
The gravity has become crushing. Facing
friends or persons in public is painful,
while trying to hide the sense of sadness.
My own cycles, which seem to be uncommonly
long, have been alleviated quite a bit by
medication. I have had good friends who
have cared about me, and some good doctors.
I consider them all to be special blessings
in my life.
The polarities seem distinct enough from
each other, that simply remembering the
manic frame of mind during depression is
just not possible.
Besides using the medication properly
during depression, I have been learning
a technique which my doctor says is
the same as Cognitive Therapy. It is to
actively counter negative thoughts and
emotions with thoughts of strength and
optimism. A good support for this action
is the fact that the mind can only deal
with a single thought or concept at a
time. Replacing negative or hurtful
ruminations with positive thoughts is a
sound and often effective form of
self-help.
I sympathise with anyone who deals with
bipolar, or with depression itself. I
believe that God wants us to trust Him
and know His love, and that He wants us
to be happy!
(c) 2007 Mike Elchert
6:18 AM
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