preoccupation.

a feeble attempt at keeping my mind astray from what it's really feeling.

a lost and ever-aimless longing.

something rarely revealed, but so primevally so.

it takes a true linguist sway me. an even better one to break my barriers.

and some days, i find myself sidestepping the absolutes. now is such.

i focus my time on things that revolve around longing. the subtleties, the hintings, the always out of reaches.

i feel it is how i have come to live. always in pursuit of what i can't have, so that i may always have something to pursue.

christmas morning is always better before the presents are opened.

and always best in the fringes of time between wonder and realization.

yeah, i got a watch for christmas, but it was a better watch right before i realized it was a watch.

i'll change timezones a million more times.

i'll plan a million more ways to get wasted.

and find a million more opportunities to drown it all out in carnal pleasures.

so hollowly, so attempting.

making myself believe that what i'm doing is really making me happy.

happy.

'this is what you've been wanting isn't it? to get out more. to go do something wild and get your rush?'

rush.

the peaks and plummets.

i know this one.

you live from peak to peak, all you'll have left at some point is a massive drop.

especially if you have to keep topping successive highs.

let them touch you. they can never really touch you.

really wish someone could.

just take it from day to day. right?

you wish too hard, they'll sense it and run.

you wish too little, they'll sense it and run.

don't wish at all, they'll surprise you one day.

i guess i shouldn't act too ungratefully depressive.

but some folks really know their semantics. genuine eloquence; brocaded, simple. they know how to hit a spot.

no need to be rash.

we wait our whole lives for this.

we dwell on it once it's gone.

the best is yet to come.

maybe.

one day, i'll feel that touch.

call it a double life, but somewhere way and beyond, i am. dreaming.