Dear You,

I have so much to say to you and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to begin but it needs to be said and I need it so I can move on and function normally again.

This is the third letter like this I have ever written- one to August, one to Robert, and now one to you. I don’t expect a response at all but I need to talk.

I was driving yesterday, a two hour long drive at midnight because someone decided to vandalized and set a fire to my dad’s business and I tried calling a few people and no one answered and all I could think of was wanting to call you- even though I knew I couldn’t.

For over a year you meant the world to me, and I’m sorry if I could never show it the way you deserved. I shouldn’t have become friends with you again last year but honestly I couldn’t help it. You’re infectious and sweet. You’re a friend I could tell everything too and I did tell you everything. I always talked to you, always shared. I made a point to tell you things even if I didn’t want to and I never kept anything back. Truly.

I made a fool of myself telling you how much I liked you at one point, I realize that. I jeopardized our friendship and then I worked on tuning it down, and I did. I managed too quite well for the most part. I managed to fix everything, or so I thought.

And than I started getting frustrated, but it wasn’t always at you. I got jealous of the girls in your life and I tried to make you jealous with the boys in my life but you obviously saw right through that. You never got riled.

The one thing I didn’t tell you stemmed from a slip up that has gotten harder and harder to deal with over the past few months, things I’ve been tryign to hide. I cry constantly, not just since our friendship ended but before that. I’ve started taking sleeping pills to sleep and I barely eat anymore. Why I don’t know, but all those things were building up until I just snapped one day and hurt myself. I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you. I was terrified of losing you and in that fear I kept it to myself.

I forgot I had a notemine with that thought and when I gave you my thoughts I let you see everything. You went and hid many of your thoughts from me. In fact, you hid all of them except one. How’s that for trusting?

Our conversation Easter morning had been going so well, so hopeful and I was excited because we were finally talking again until you saw that.

It’s been a week since we’ve spoken and it still hurts just as bad as it did on Monday evening. Just as bad. I took your number out of my phone to stop myself from even attempting to call you and sometimes I wish I hadn’t. I sometimes wonder that if I did try to call you that it would show up on your phone and you’d answer and you’d talk to me, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

I try to tell myself I’m better without you in any capacity and while I know this to be true...I don’t need anyone...I have a hard time accepting it. I didn’t need you. I wanted you. I wanted you so badly that in doing that I pushed you further away than I have ever pushed anyone before and I know there is no hope of you ever coming back.

This is going to hurt for awhile. This is going to hurt more than losing Dave ever did, because Dave wasn’t a friend- not like you were. You made me happier so many times than I ever could imagine and I’m sorry for hurting you as often as I did.

I just wish you could understand how I feel- what I feel. I can’t put it into words the way I’d like because it’s too raw, but I want you to know that you still mean the world to me and I still wish you the best. I hope what you chose in life makes you happy darling.

All my love,
Forever,
Me