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Current mood:  drunk
I remember my first meeting with Rowlf The Dog. I stuck my hand out to shake his paw and he just stared at it, like I was the scum of the Earth, and then smirked as he walked past. At that moment, I silently prayed for Rowlf's destruction.
And thankfully, God eventually answered my prayers of hate.
Rowlf The Dog would have been as big a star as Kermit, but he kept fucking up. The bastard was basically the first Muppet ever, but he blew it. HE BLEW IT! HE BLEW IT LIKE A WHORE BLOWS THE SEMEN FROM A COCK!
Jim Henson had Rowlf scheduled to appear as the star Muppet on the first episode of "Sesame Street" ever. Kermit wasn't even interested in the "Sesame Street" project because he thought it would cause him to be typecast, so it was Rowlf's job to lose. And big surprise! He did lose it, like the red-rocket sucking loser he is. Rowlf just kept showing up drunk to work, with his shaking paws gripping the ass-end of the previous night's bottle of cheap Merlot. Eventually they fired his alcoholic ass and Kermit reluctantly agreed to appear on "Sesame Street," and the rest is history.
Rowlf eventually conquered his drinking problem. Henson, nothing if not loyal, gave the stupid drunk Muppet a second chance. Big mistake, if you ask me. Anyway, Rowlf got a job on "The Muppet Show" as the piano player, eventually graduating to a lead character in the popular 'Veterinarians' Hospital' skits on the show.
When Henson died in 1990, Rowlf again spiraled into self destruction. I knew he would - without the gullible Henson to guide his career, Rowlf was basically the scum of the earth. I once watched the guy suck an intern's dick for a key bump in a restroom stall at a Bob's Big Boy in Ventura. Not surprisingly, Rowlf disappeared from the spotlight soon after. He resurfaced two years later, in 1992, when his star sunk even further after he was videotaped participating in the beating of Reginald Denny during the L.A. riots.
Aside from occasional public appearances at D.A.R.E. events after that, Rowlf kept a low profile. Good riddance, I said at the time.
It wasn't until Weezer decided to record the video for "Keep Fishin'" with the Muppets that Rowlf suddenly showed an interest in being a Muppet star again. I remember watching him approach Weezer's drummer Pat Wilson's dressing room with a bag full of nose candy that he had scribbled "WEEZER CANDY" on in crayon. Rowlf's plan must have worked, though, because Rowlf is briefly visible in the video. Wonder whose load he drank for that.
Anyway, from what I've heard, Rowlf is currently working in a legal office owned by Nanny's brother-in-law.
In closing, let me just say that I guess there is justice in this world. I went from an alcoholic to the greatest alcoholic puppet movie critic of all time, while stupid Rowlf went from a Muppet to a secretary.
So I win, Rowlf. Henry The Alcoholic Critic always wins. Next time shake my hand, asshole.
P.S. Rowlf can't really even play the piano, he just hammered the keys and they played piano music over it.
9:14 AM
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