Captains Log, Stardate 6-21-3-11

Have you ever noticed that there are no monkeys in Star Trek?

Don’t you think that’s kind of strange?

I mean as far as I know the first living creature to be launched into space was a monkey. Now the Russians may have lobbed a dog or two up there, but I’m pretty sure the chimp came first. Ironic then isn’t it to have a show based on futuristic space travel, spanning over 30 years of network and syndicated television entertainment, dealing with an awesome array of social, scientific and moral issues and yet not one mention of the furry primate pal who made it all possible.

(To be fair, Wesley does slightly resemble a hairless Rhesus, but I challenge you to find an episode where he plucks a tick off of Data’s hide.)

Since the Enterprise is all about exploration, it would seem to me that a “Curious George” type character would fit right in. Ensign Bobo. He wouldn’t have to be high rank or anything. Just give him a job where he doesn’t wear a red shirt and turn him loose. Hell make him the helmsman, the ship pretty much flies itself anyway. Or you could throw one in a shuttle craft, kind of like “B.J. and the Bear” in space.

Think of the cool opportunities the show is missing out on by not having one of our simian brothers represented in the hallowed halls of the Enterprise. Nemoy could have displayed his dramatic skills, admiring some intergalactic chimp for its simple yet undeniably perfect logic while frantically dodging ape feces. And just think of the endless laughs for bones, “Damn it Jim! I’m a doctor not a monkeys uncle!”

And imagine the comic relief possibilities for Scotty if he had some zany monkey always getting into trouble in engineering. “Bobo! hand me that monkey wrench!”

If they didn’t want to add a new primate character, they could just recast one of the current characters with a monkey. It wouldn’t be hard to write into the script. Just have Q get pissed off at someone and “Wammo!” the next thing you know, said crewmember is brachiating his way to Ten Forward so he can spend an hour or two grooming Guinan.

So the big question here is why aren’t there monkeys in Star Trek? Who knows, maybe monkeys have been eradicated in the future. Maybe mankind finally got a little too uncomfortable with his similarities to the little bastards and wiped them out. Or maybe Shatner had a problem sharing the green babes with another primate. He’d say, “No need for monkeys, we got Chekov and he looks like Davey Jones.”

Well, the truth is we don’t really know. But we do know that until a primate makes his way into the 24th century all of us are diminished in some respect. We look forward to the day that ALL races are equally represented in the future regardless of their genus, species or tendency to finger-paint with their own feces.

End Log.